Expert: Druideck - 4/17/2011

Question
Hi..you have helped me greatly two other times recently and I promise this will be my last question as I know you must be swamped and I appreciate your help.

I am the one whose brother and wife live in the apt. in my house.  My brother has been drinking many years, had been recently hospitalized for congestive heart failure, has a weak heart due to drinking (just found this out within the last few weeks)...he also had a blockage and had a stent put in.  A few doctors told him that he has to stop drinking or he will die and the doctor who performed the angioplasty said that this will all be for nothing if he doesn't stop.  When my brother was checked out a social worker spoke to him about out patient rehab places...he said he thinks everyone is blowing this out of proportion and that he doesn't have a problem.  I confronted him and said he almost died during the five-day physical part of the withdrawal because they think a 'dt' made his blood pressure drop and that I he needs to check into a place for rehab.  I know he needs to be the one to do it but I was very in his face about the drinking and rehab. Mentally, there is something going on because he doesn't really get what just happened to him. His wife thinks he is an alcohol abuser not an alcoholic #I disagree#. She said he is taking a big interest in his diet, reading up on nutrition and the meds he is taking and that everything is great now.  Friday I found an empty beer can and a vodka bottle with a little bit gone in my garage that was not there two days ago. I waited a day and checked the bottle again and more was gone like the equivalent of a few ounces.  I am sure he feels he can drink a little every day without telling anyone and he will be fine.  I thought an alcoholic can't drink a little.  My question please what is the difference between an alcoholic and an alcohol abuser?  I can't believe this won't escalate over time.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

Answer
Joanie,

One of the components of alcoholism is
the blindness that the alcoholic experiences.
This is commonly referred to as "denial"

It is like part of the alcoholics brain
goes to sleep and they are unable to
consciously relate their drinking
to the other problems they are having.

This may be a defense mechanism of
the illness to protect itself from
detection. The illness does not want
him to stop using alcohol.

Over time this trick of the mind can
affect others as well. The alcoholic
is so convincing that his problem
and he are different than others
that everybody starts to believe
in his deception.

Also there can be issues of self-worth
and pride involved where people
don't want it found out that
the person is an alcoholic.
It seems like he has failed and
the word alcoholic denotes
some kind of distressing weakness
that people don't want to admit to.
Old stereotypes still abound for
the word "Alcoholic"
It can be embarrasing because they
would rather believe in other health
issues which seem more acceptable.

You must remember that they
have kept this a secret and may actually
believe that no one knows how much drinking
he has done or how it has affected him.
Often everyone knows about the drinking
but no one says anything.
Alcoholism is a hidden family illness
and affects all the people around the
alcoholic. It has affected you as well.

An alcoholic is a person that cannot
stop drinking no matter what the negative
consequences are to their life.

An alcohol abuser can stop if their life
is in danger.

Since your brother refuses to stop
drinking when advised by a doctor
this means he IS an alcoholic and
may die before he realizes he needs
outside help to abstain from alcohol.

The fact that he is hiding liquor and
drinking in secret also means he cannot
stop drinking on his own. This is another
sure sign of alcoholism.

Naming him an alcohol abuser will
not help him stop drinking.
When a doctor gives repeated warnings
it means this is very serious.

It is an extremely frustrating thing
to see people minimize a deadly problem.
I wish I had something to offer you
in the way of helping these
people wake up but such is life.

You can also become so obscessed with
helping that it may damage your own life.
The urgency you feel may become addictive
as well. Whenever a behaviour damages
your life in any way and you do not stop
that is an addiction. Alcoholism is addiction.

It can only be treated if he starts to
cooperate and if those around him
stop minimizing the damage the alcohol
is doing him.
HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC, recovery is
not a dirty word it is the beginning of
a new and better life.

He is deceiving himself and those around him,
don't allow him to lie to himself, be honest
and open about what you see. At this point
he is going to die so you have nothing
to lose whatever you do or say.
It may be worth losing some friends if
it saves his life.

You are human and can only do so much,
take care of your own feelings too.
There may come a point when you will
have to surrender and let go.
Do what you can and then leave the rest
to a higher power.

Druideck.
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