Expert: Clyde - 5/5/2011

Question
Hello again Clyde,
I wrote to you late last week about my alcoholic boyfriend who left and cut off all communication without explanation and your answer put me on a better track until last night at 1 am when I received a text from him.  I did not respond until this morning when I asked him if he was ok. His reply was "NO, everything is wrong and you can't help me." I told him that I could listen and his response was that he couldn't trust me. You see I am close to his parents and spoke to them in vague terms about his drinking because I was worried about him but didn't want to break his trust(his parents knew).  He feels betrayed but it seems as though he wants to reach out.He knows that I care about him but why call for help and then make me feel horrible and just shut me out again? Its as if he wants me to suffer with him or he wants to punish me for caring about him. I think he is just teetering on the edge and it's hard to know what to say or do.  My final response to him was "When you are ready to talk I will be here for you. You have to decide if you can trust me" But was it the right response? This is sooo hard!

Answer
Beth,
  Thank you for your follow up.  You gave him a perfect response.  It is like talking to a little boy - he has been hurt by relationships which he could not trust and he will have to accept that he must mature and find the way to deal with those hurts.  Many alcoholics stunted their maturity and their emotions many years back in their drinking and it will take some time to recover these functions and allow them to heal - we must act like adults and that is hard for a "kid" to learn when they are in adult bodies and adult worlds.

  Like I said in the first response - love hurts when it is genuine and from the heart.  You are gifted in this way but it can sometimes seem as though it is a curse.

   It was good that you waited til this morning before responding to his text.  Simply wait for his next communication and then stand strong in knowing that this is not about you, or him, for that matter, it is about the devastation of alcoholism on his life.  

   If you can make some suggestions that he should check out AA and give a try, then do so, but do not force him to do this.  He must grow up and do it on his own.  You might also get a copy of "Alcoholics Anonymous" and read this to understand more of how an alcoholic thinks drunk and in the active stages of alcoholism and how much differently the recovering alcoholic thinks and acts - they are two very separate individuals.  You or I do not know who he will become if he chooses the latter but I can tell you he will have a life if he will get sober for good.

   Hope this helps and I will keep you both in my prayers.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde