Expert: Beverley Glazer - 5/7/2011

Question
I am helping a friend get through a bone marrow transplant.  One of the many restrictions is "no alcohol", but yesterday he drank a liter of wine.  Yes, he is an alcoholic and has no interest in quitting drinking.  He is a functional alcoholic for the most part.  This is his second bout with cancer and the choice was to get the bone marrow transplant to extend his life.  He is 59.  He came through the transplant in early March very well with few side effects.  He is at home and I am his cook/cleaner/driver/assistant.  In April he has had two re-hospitalizations with graft-versus-host disease.  He is taking a lot of prenisone to control this, plus many other medications related to the transplant itself.  He was told "no alcohol for a year" and we are at Day 70.  I agreed to help him for 100 days to get through this initial phase.  I am buying and making his food, sleeping there overnight.  I used to give him infusions(IVs) as needed.  I take him 70 miles to the doctor's office about once a week.  

I am very conflicted about what I should do.  I do not like the idea that I am working so hard at getting him better and that he is sabotaging his recovery.  He has told no one but me about the drinking.  Do I have a responsibility to tell his daughter, to tell his doctor?  My reaction is to do my 100 days graciously, then walk away and let him deal with the mess he will have to deal with.

Answer
Hi Jean,

You sound like an amazing friend, but this man is taking advantage of your good nature.

His bone marrow transplant was intended to extend his life, and you are generously nursing him through it. This is a life-and-death situation, and he's in denial of his drinking as well as risking his life.

No one can stop an alcoholic from drinking, because he will do what he wants. However, you can help him, by not making it easy for him. This is what's called enabling. Here's some information on this:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

The more you enable him, the more he will stay in denial and keep drinking.  

His doctor and his family should be notified about his drinking, but I can assure your friend will be angry. Don't worry about that.  Tell him that you're doing everything possible to help him, but by keeping his alcoholism should not be a 'secret'-- and if he has secrets, he should stop.

He must follow his physician's orders and the people who care about him are entitled to know what's going on. By doing this, he's forced to acknowledge the addiction and let his image go. When he breaks his denial, he's forced to make changes.

All the best to you!

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Regards,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com