Expert: Druideck - 6/30/2011

Question
QUESTION: My son is 22, lives at home, works, and is taking on- line classes.  We found out several  years ago when my husband and I came home from vacation that he is an alcoholic. He was very drunk when we walked through the door, and he explained he got drunk on purpose so he could tell us he thinks he is an alcoholic.  He insisted we go to his car and look in the trunk. It was full of empty cans and bottles!  My husband nor I drink or ever have, and this was very hard to comprehend.
Since then, we have tried  different approaches, but usually it is a loving approach. We have also tried the usual talking, pleading, reasoning and worrying. We have been trying not to talk to him when he is drunk because we have found out it does no good, although when he is drunk he acts desperate for a way to quit.  When he becomes sober, he will admit he needs help, but is more reserved about it. He takes meds for depression and sees a psychiatrist every 6 weeks or so for this. He tried an alcoholic counselor for a short time but he didn't "click" with the counselor. His psychiatrist has perscribed antabuse for him and he was recently sober for 50 days, but has now started drinking again. I’m sure in a few weeks he will try hard again not to drink as this is his pattern, but it won’t last. He takes the antabuse during his work week so he doesn't miss work, and sometimes stops taking them in time for his days off. He needs counseling for the alcohol abuse, he admits it, so the other night we offered to help pay for the counseling. ( He pays for all of his own bills except rent. This is our agreement since he is going to school).  My son agreed, and was suppose to call his psychiatrist's office to inquire about the possibilities of receiving counseling from him, as he thinks a lot of him. When we got up the next morning he was missing, ( he does this when he is on a binge), and is missing again this morning, his days off. To us it feels like a slap in the face, and that perhaps he is telling us he doesn't want help after all. We are on the verge of asking him to move out as we feel we may be enabling him since we have not been harsh at this point. It is also hard on my husband and I watching his every move. We asked him to be home this evening so we could talk, and he is not.  Do we give him more time to make the call to his psychiatrist? If we kick him out he will probably not be able to finish school, but I wonder if that is even an issue at this point.  It is difficult because when we wait until he is sober to talk to him, he is very pleasant and agreeable, and it will be very hard to actually kick him out.  Are we on the right track? Should we go through with it?
Also, do you think one day a week of counseling would do any good? That is all we feel we can afford. He doesn't like the sounds of AA at all. He has social anxiety disorder along with the depression.

ANSWER: Hi Terri,

Let me start by saying that alcoholism is a terminal
deadly illness. I say that not so much to
shock you or make you try harder to help your son
but just to make you aware of how it
compares to the importance of work and school.

Work and school can play a part in recovery
however once he has really started recovery.

Let me also say that if you want to get tough
with this situation this is what you do
and alcoholism requires a different approach
than most psychiatrist's will attempt.
Many professional counsellors are not well versed in dealing with
addictions because they have never been there.

A few points, no alcoholic likes AA on their
first approach. This is a threat to their
illness so excuses are common.
Alcoholics have a whole lot of excuses but
no solutions for their behaviour.

The way to think about this is that
he is running you in circles, making excuses,
yet he is quite willing to admit to you that he has a
problem with alcohol. He may be looking
for you to fix him or give him heartfelt pity.
Neither will get him sober and sane again.

Talk to him again and let him know that you
understand he has an alcohol problem.
Once you have his agreement on that point
tell them that you have talked to an
experienced, trained counsellor specializing
in alcoholism.

Tell him in his best interests the counsellor
has suggested that if he knows he has a problem
then he should be willing to get the treatment for it to recover.

At this point have two paths of treatment for him to take.
You can previously arrange a stay in a residential
treatment center. There are often some places
that have some government financial support
available. You may need to go through a health
agency or alcohol counsellor to find out
about these places.

The second option is regular AA meetings
whether he likes them or not.
This will be an ongoing place of
support from others that are suffering
the same illness. It is also a place
to learn and to start being honest
about getting help to stay sober.

He will not recover unless he has total
abstainence from alcohol for a period
of time. As long as he is drinking
his thought patterns will always
go back to making excuses and drinking
again and again.

His social disorder is also very likely
a part of his drinking lifestyle
as is the depression.
Before he can have any success in treating
these other problems he has to stop drinking.
He cannot grow emotionally while using
alcohol, it stunts emotional growth.
He likely has the emotional age of someone
much younger because of alcohol.
This can make him resistant to being around
people as it is uncomfortable feeling insecure.

In my opinion the antabuse is a band-aid
and is prolonging his difficulties.

Give him the two choices and also let him
know that you cannot fix him, he has to do it
himself. You can support him as much as you
want in anything to do with recovery.

If he wants to play games and avoid the
two paths to recovery then you will know he is not
serious about quitting. He is acting out
his illness and will get nowhere.

We are all afraid sometimes but healing
can only come if he takes these first
real steps to recovery.
Up until now he has been playing games with
you and with the psychiatrist.
That can go on forever so make some rules
that can be kind but firm.
For now you don't have to be too harsh as long
as he agrees and tries to do his best.

I also had social anxiety and people phobias.
I also played games in recovery.
I had to finally give up all my excuses and
go to AA regularly. I lost the desire to drink
after a month or two for the most part.
I continued to learn and grow emotionally
through AA's twelve steps.

I am now a trained counsellor and a recovered alcoholic
for over 25 years.

I started where your son is today, it only takes time,
honesty and no more excuses from him.

I wish you all the best,

Druideck.
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---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: This is very helpful, thank you so much. I am tempted to have him read all of this. What do you think?

Answer

Hi Terri,

Where alcoholism is concerned it often does
not help much to give the person information.
The illness is so strong that nothing
said means much when the compulsion
to drink comes again.

The mental obscession and physical compulsion
combine to blank out the alcoholics mind
to any good knowledge of their problem.

This is why they often say a person must
hit emotional bottom before they will
get serious about recovery.

When he realizes he must quit or
die a slow death then he will be
more willing to accept an unfavorable
solution like AA.

If he is truly alcoholic then he
will not be able to quit for long
on his own will power.

His drinking will repeat itself every
month and then the time may get less.

I could only stay sober for about 11 days
near the time I sought help.
That was all I could do no matter
what the circumstances.

I went through a treatment center and then
still relapsed. A few months later
I reached the point of surrender.
It was do or die so I went to AA
and I did not like it either.
That was the start of my recovery.

It will all depend on him at some point,
do what you can but learn that control
is not possible with this illness.

Good luck!
Druideck.
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