Expert: Beverley Glazer - 6/18/2011

Question
I have two questions that are related in nature.  They are "Is it right to not let my children have a relationship with my alcoholic brother-in-law?" and "Is it wrong for my husband and me to not allow him to work for our company?"
The background:
Husband and I have been married 19 years, have 3 wonderful children, and are expecting our first grandchild.  Together we worked hard to raise our family and we started our own business in 1997 so that I could be a stay-at-home mom.  Now we have 4 businesses and 30 employees.
My husband's father passed away suddenly in 2000 of a massive heart attack that sent my husband into the mode of "I'm the matriarch now.”  He was made to feel that he had to care for his mom and brother (who was 29 at the time) because he was out of work (called off too much), recently divorced and very depressed (understandably so) due to the death of his father and a sister back in 1994 due to complications from spinal muscular atrophy.
We gave his brother a job.  We even sent him to school to be a journeyman machinist; but he dropped out of in the final 4th year in the final semester.  Soon his brother's alcoholism started to reveal itself at work.  He would have sudden outbursts of anger (kicking in the front of my husband's desk once because he didn’t like the way my husband told him to do something), calling me C*** while out in the plant in front of other employees for something he thought I said.  I fired him on the spot - but my husband asked me to go and smooth things over with him because as everyone has said for years "He just isn't right" and "Where else can he find a job?”  His attendance was horrible and our other men were questioning our judgment as employers when he was finally fired for “No Call, No Show” 3 days in a row because of a drinking binge.  Due to our company handbook specifically saying that it called for immediate termination my husband finally did it.  Then the calls started……
Brother-in-law (BNL) and ex-wife were constantly drinking and beating each other up.  Calling us and leaving vulgar messages.  Messages, telling us how no good we are, calling us everything bad thing they could possibly call us.  Using my husband’s own drinking problem; which he had been sober for 3 years before our most recent traumatic event; which I will explain in a bit.  BNL even called one night and told me he was going to bend me over and screw the sh** out of me after he was fired the second time by my husband.  To this day, I do not know why.  My husband who is not violent in nature beat the crap out of him for that one.  It would be a nasty call, then a call the next day apologizing for whatever it was he said but couldn’t remember saying.  My girls would cry many times because they were afraid that he was going to hurt their dad or me.  His mom would call asking my husband to help calm his brother for her fear of him talking suicide or that he is in a rage – my husband finally stopped responding to those calls because in AA he came to learn what his brother was doing.  My children’s fear of BNL hurting me wasn’t unjustified because as I said before – he and his ex would fight like animals (it wasn’t unusual for the police to find her running naked down the street!)  Once he came to work thinking he had killed her.  Her lung was punctured and she had to be hospitalized.  Two years ago, he was arrested for strangling and biting her all over her body (which was described in detail in local paper) and his mother FINALLY did not bail him out of jail.  He spent 30 days in county lockup and 30 days in court ordered rehab.
When he got out of rehab, he said all the right things and worked his way back into our business and our family.  We did give him conditions: 1. He had to remain sober and 2.  He could not have any dealings with his ex (an alcoholic and crack addict).  He agreed and actually kept to the one regarding his ex because the court ordered it!  
Soon our 4 yr. old son became attached to him because he, like his uncle, loves to fish and they would fish together in our backyard lake.  Then we found out he started drinking again but he talked his way in being able to stay with the company.  In 02/09, BNL survived a brain aneurysm while we were in Hawaii.  Knowing that my husband and I were blessed with having a beautiful family, nice home, cars and being able to take wonderful vacations – I wanted to do something for my BNL.  Yes, even after all the things he said, I felt impelled to do something.
I felt sorry for him knowing that he was living in a trailer with literal holes in the floor, no working bathroom sink, no kitchen cabinets or counter top, and appliances that were falling apart.  I could also describe the filth but words cannot describe it.  I asked my husband if instead of buying each other anniversary gifts (since we had just returned from Hawaii) we instead fix his trailer up.  I was hoping that he could see that I did care about him and I only wanted to help him so that he could feel better about himself.  I did not want him to continue living in squalor.  After all, he was still trying to "quit" and I felt it might assist him in doing so.  Then we find out his aneurysm needed to be repaired due to leakage and a second one had to be repaired along with it.  Unfortunately, $10,000 later and all the hard work I did patching and painting drywall, laying laminate flooring - it sits there unfinished because he lacks the ability to finish a project; which he freely admits.  His brain surgeons told him he was killing himself by continuing to drink and abuse prescription drugs (Elavil, Ativan & painkillers).  
He was becoming erratic at work again and blaming the aneurysm for much of it.  Bad mouthing our other hard-working employees, wanting recognition as being more than a maintenance man, wanting to act as if he owned the place by standing drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes while watching others work.  We started a 4th company and our new partner’s office needed a desk.  I had a beautiful wood one but a section of it was missing.  My BNL was using the section for his desk in the office that my husband assigned him in order to “keep peace”.  My husband’s younger brother was given one after coming to work for us when his Heating/Cooling business failed.  He needed work and my mother-in-law asked my husband to help him (as she once asked us to help the other). However, BNL threw a fit that we gave it to a partner who invested much in our new company even though we replaced it with another desk.
April 28th, my BNL left the shop (He lost his license and his mom runs him around) upset because my husband failed to acknowledge again for the 3rd time an idea that BNL came up with that he felt the credit was being given to another employee.  April 29th, my children and I were leaving on our yearly trip to the beach and I left right after my husband did at 6:00 a.m.  My husband would pick up his brother for work but that morning he met a couple of men and a police officer (who is a cousin) standing over a body that was barely breathing.  It was my BNL!  My son now 5 started crying and saying how the BNL was his buddy and that he would pray that he would come back to life.  My 15 yr. old daughter was hysterical in the other seat worried about her dad and her uncle.  Then there I was trying to stay calm for the sake of my children, husband who was in a complete panic as the BNL was being loaded in an ambulance with blood coming from his head and the mother-in-law that I had to call with the news.  We thought his aneurysm had ruptured again because it looked as if he had been mowing and got his lawn mower stuck and tried to push it out possibly causing it to do so as his last surgery was March 13th.  I called my oldest and her husband to tell them and to pick up mother-in-law.  My daughter accidently called my cell phone and we could hear her crying hysterically (not good since she is pregnant) worried that her dad was going to die from stress as her grandpa did.  When she arrived at my mother in laws, my mother-in-law (her grandma) collapsed in her arms.  
By the time we arrive at the local hospital - the helicopter was taking off for the major hospital.  So here we all are in the ER waiting to see if the BNL is going to live or not.  The hospital staff let us go in 2 at a time once he was stabilized and when it was my turn – I asked the question that would set my family’s life in a tailspin.  I asked if there was alcohol in his system.  The answer was positive - he had a .065 alcohol level (.08 legally drunk) at 8:00 a.m. after spending the entire night in a field.  His mother’s response, “that’s not that much”.  I was horrified!  Here I spent the last 2 hours watching my husband, children and mother-in-law cry because they thought it was something serious that caused his condition and that is what she said?!  
Due to his condition being caused by drinking – my husband sent us on our way on the vacation we look forward to every year.  Little did I know what my husband was being accused of after I left.  His mother blamed my husband for CAUSING his brother to drink because of not getting the glory he wanted regarding his idea.  I was livid!  Then I found out that due to the pressure of my husband trying to keep his mom, brothers, myself happy and dealing with the constant bickering between our 5 and 15 yr. old – he started drinking again.  I found out on a business trip and had to control myself, as I was angry and disappointed.  
When we returned home, I spent 2 days crying, yelling, asking WHY after 3 years (that is when I learned of what his mother said in the ER and additional things to try and make him look bad in order to build his other 2 brothers up).  What am I to do?  Angry, frustrated at seeing my husband being beat down because he is being made to feel it is his responsibility to care for his now 39-year-old brother in order to keep his brother from feeling like a “failure”.  Angry that my husband had started to drink again – I made the call.  My BNL was told to pack up his toolbox because he was no longer going to be a part of our company.  My BNL was told that I did not want him to have any dealing with the children or me.  Now, all hell has broken loose because of my husband standing by me in that decision; which until I was finally able to articulate my reasons why – he felt I was being too harsh.
My reasoning:
1.    BNL has  proven time and time again that he cannot remain sober and has always been able to argue and make all of us feel guilty for his choices in life.  I decided that this time I was not going to feel guilty.
2.   BNL has never taken responsibility for his actions – even this last one is being blamed on his neighbor because although BNL doesn’t remember anything from that night – he believes his neighbor beat him up.  I bluntly told him that if he hadn’t been drinking and mixing it with his prescription drugs – none of it would have happened even if the neighbor did do it.
3.   BNL has proven that he has a violent tendency towards women and has verbally threatened me on numerous occasions while drinking and I am frightened for my safety and that of my children.
4.   BNL continually berates our other employees – telling lies about them in hopes of getting them terminated – he came close once but I was able to get my husband to think about it over night before making any decision.
5.   BNL is an embarrassment to me and to our other employees who have witnessed his actions over the years.
6.   I do not want my children to learn from BNL.  He smokes, cusses and is vulgar in his talking of women.
7.   I believe that BNL has serious mental issues that he cannot control; which he has proven by his unexpected explosions, tantrums, fits.  Due to this I am afraid he would scare my children to the point that it would affect them years later or that he could even hurt them.
8.   I explained to my husband that I see the same thing happening between him, his mother and brothers that happened to his father.  After his grandpa died, his dad had to take care of his mom and moved back to the family farm to do so.  My husband’s mom was not happy about it because she loved the house they were in and she hated grandma’s nosiness.  His sisters relied upon him for decisions regarding their mom and the care and upkeep of the 320-acre farm.  When my husband’s grandmother died in 1999, his dad’s sisters were after him to buy their shares of the farm but it was financially impossible for him to do so.  He was so busy working at fixing up houses he bought for rental income that he started experiencing what he thought was a reaction to an antibiotic he was taking for an ear infection.  He was helping my husband clearing trees  - prepping our land just across the field for the new house we were building.  The next day he died in his kitchen with his boots on.  I see a strong similarity because my husband cares for his mom, tries to help his brothers, all the while they are putting pressure on him for more or blaming him for their own failings.  His grandfather, grandmother and father all died from heart attacks.  I don’t want my husband to be one more added to that list.
After reasonably (which is hard for me when I am emotional) I explained these things to him.  He understood to the point where he stopped by his mother’s house and told both his mom and brother those very things.  He even asked his mom, “would I even be going through this if I didn’t have a successful business?”  Her reply: “No.”  
Their response to all that my husband said was to accuse me of being an alcoholic too.  They said just because I don’t get drunk there are all types of alcoholics and because I have a glass of wine or two a couple time a week makes me one.  Then from his aunt to me the other day “You are tearing the f****** family apart and are living in a glass house throwing rocks.”  
Then the emails started, telling me that my marriage was a fraud.  That we are hypocrites in our Christian beliefs and how he was going to let people know that.  That I am a liar who goes out partying and smoking cigars all the time with my husband (my children laughed at that one).  He claims that I am responsible for my husband’s drinking, and so forth and so on.  The emails are irrational and broken in subject showing BNL’s mental condition is breaking down.
I admit to my faults:  I did smoke 1 cigar - 1 time last year completely sober but completely rebelling against my beliefs for I had a lapse in faith and my children have been told all about it.  My husband bought me a wine cooler as a gift with different wines in it just recently.  He realizes the enjoyment I get from doing taste tests and picking out the flavors; which I have been learning about for years.  There have been occasions when after sharing a bottle of wine with my mom or with a girlfriend or two here at home, I became tipsy.  However, it isn't something I do every day or every week as his family thinks I do.  I limit my drinking because I don’t want my children to see me under the influence and while at a restaurant I limit myself to one (if I have one at all) when I know I am driving.  Therefore, even though I know what BNL is trying to do by saying such lies – it hurts me because he also knows I take medicine for depression and knows how to put doubts in my head.  
My husband blocked BNL’s email throughout our company’s mail exchange so that he could not hurt us by his hateful words and lies.  Then he put us back to back and he locked his arms with mine and said this is how we survive all this turmoil – back-to-back – holding on to one another.  He said that we are not going to allow his brothers or his mom tear us apart as it has been doing since the “night in the field” episode.
I apologize for the length of the request for your expert advice and tried very hard to explain some without explaining ALL.  I just need to know if I am wrong in my actions because I hate to have my mother-in-law believing that I am such a horrible person who is deliberately trying to destroy my BNL’s life.

Answer
Hi Rene,

First of all, you are not wrong, nor are you a 'horrible' person.

Your mother-in-law is in denial of your brother-in-law's drinking problem and she feels that if one brother has more, the other should help -- no matter how dysfunctional the other is.

She's trying to get her way by casting blame and trying to shame you. In actuality, your drinking has nothing to do with your brother-in-law's problem, one way or the other, so simply ignore it. All she's doing is applying pressure on your family, as she's trying to 'help' her son.

In actuality, she's not helping him, she's enabling him to become worse. Here's more information on this: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

Both you and your husband have given your brother-in-law more than enough chances to straighten up and unless he changes, there is no way he should be part of the company. I believe that your husband understand this and he's on your side.

Be open with the kids, because they already know what's going on and they're caught in the middle. Explain that everyone cares about their uncle, but no one can 'help' him. He has to go to meetings, go to counseling or do whatever it takes to get himself better. Only the alcoholic has control of his behavior.

It would be helpful for all of you (including your mother-in-law)to go to Al-Anon. These meetings are for family members of alcoholic/addicts and all your questions would be addressed. You'll also realize that you are not alone with this problem.

Al-Anon is based on a religious model, although you don't have to be religious to benefit.
This would be very helpful for your mother-in-law, because she has a lot of guilt and that's why she's applying pressure. However, whether she changes or not, you and the family must stand together.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Regards

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com