Expert: Druideck - 6/13/2011

Question
My alcoholic/drug addict ex partner has been using since he was 12 years old and is now 37, with occasional "glimpses" of recovery.

He and I broke up ten months ago. We have a little girl who is now going on three years old. I have not heard from him ONCE since we broke up and he moved out of our home ten months ago. He had been dry for 7 months when we broke up and as far as I know, continued to be dry until this past January.

We broke up because he stopped going to his program, telling me that he was "cured" and didn't need "those people or meetings anymore"; and he said I was crazy for thinking that he still needed to be in some kind of recovery program.

During the course of our relationship, (and especially after he stopped going to his recovery program), he was abusive, dishonest, cruel, cold, selfish, self-destructive, and extremely irresponsible. He lost jobs, homes, cars, had many drunk driving tickets, was in and out of jail for alcohol related violations, he lost money, personal belongings, his bank account, his drivers license, etc etc. He basically lost everything and hit a bottom many times. I continued to stay with him because he kept trying to get clean and believe it or not, he actually had some beautiful and amazing qualities that I loved. And we did share a lot of good and sweet times together. Basically, when it was good, it was VERY good. And when it was bad, it was really bad.  

So, I have since heard that he started drinking again back in January. I heard that he met another woman, dated her for about two months and just recently moved to Arizona with her after having attempted suicide. I heard last night from a mutual friend that he is deeply in love with her. I hear he is doing well. I also hear that she doesn't have to work and that they are living off her parent's money. (I am in the process of filing a child support case).

The pain of hearing that he is "deeply in love" with this other woman is excrutiating. I obsess about who she is and what they do together..and the life he has with her. I do not know who she is, nor do I know her name. I cannot cope with the fact that he has not called once in ten months to ask about his daughter. Some days are much worse than others. Today is one of those days. My chest literally aches. I am having such a hard time accepting that he is really gone....off with someone else...living a new life..

I know you do not know him... but if you could please try to give me a perspective with the disease of alcoholism in mind...

I want to know if he even remembers that he has a little girl? Is it possible that he and this woman are really happy, doing well, and in love? How can I let this go? Will I ever hear from him again? Do alcoholics just totally block out all their feelings and thoughts with the drink and so he does not even feel the pain of the loss of his relationship and me and his daughter?? Do alcoholics drink so much that they don't even have thoughts about their families/past relationships?

I just don't understand any of this. I can't wrap my brain around how he could just leave California with another woman and abandon us without so much as a phone call to check on his little girl.   

Anyways, thank you so much for any insight you may have. I appreciate your time and any wisdom you might be able to share with me.

~Sasha Amara

Answer
Hi Sasha,


You have many questions but I will try to outline
what I think is happening here.

A man that is affected by alcoholism has
very much work to do to recover fully.
It is a life time process not just a temporary
event.

When drinking the alcoholic does not grow
emotionally and can often be cold or
indifferent to things that matter to
a more healthy person.

People often matter less than his
addiction to drinking and his own
self-centered desires.
Remember he is a man with a deadly illness
and this is why he is not acting like
a man that is well.

His illness has also affected you
and you may be just starting to see
that. You have been as dependent
on him as he is on alcohol with
the same damaging results.

Just because he left does not mean you
have recovered from living in this
situation.

The obscessive thoughts and feeling you
are having are part of an obsessive illness
as well.

Your desire to reconnect or to have something
to do with him under these circumstances is
not a healthy desire.

He is a separate person that has a right
to seek happiness so why would it matter
to you if he has moved on?
He may not be sober and he may have much
more trouble with drinking and relationships
in the future as alcoholics have little
ability to love when drinking.

He may have developed an unhealthy
obscession with another woman but
that does not mean he is "deeply in love"
Alcoholics are more likely "deeply in lust"

If you have had enough of his bad treatment
and his uncaring behaviour toward
your daughter then try to move on.
Would you be so willing to be involved
with him after his obvious illness
and it's negative symptoms?

If you cannot handle your obscessive
thoughts about him then you need
to attend Alanon meetings, or
Co-Dependents anonymous.

I strongly recommend "Women who love too much"
books by Robin Norwood.
You can buy them on ebay or online.
They will describe the terrible need to
reconnect with troubled men and their
problems. They will also give you possible
solutions to follow.

If you do not seek to heal yourself from
these feelings they may destroy you
just as alcohol destroys alcoholics.
Let the pain drive you into recovery and
a healthier, happier lifestyle.

This will also be a gift to your daughter
so she avoids troubled men in her future
and does not learn your troubled patterns of thought
and feeling.

Good luck, take care,
Druideck.
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