Expert: Druideck - 6/14/2011

Question
My boyfriend has been in recovery for 2 years.  He is 46 and was a binge alcoholic for years.  His recovery has been very difficult for us both but recently things have really improved. Things that he had not been able to achieve because of his alcoholism have now all come together for him.  He's passed his driving test, he got a good qualification in his voluntary job, he has savings in the bank, and other things have been working out for him. He seemed to be a lot happier and his behaviours have improved a lot too, although he still shows signs of anger.  The other day we had a lovely day out and got back to my apartment and sat down to settle for the evening.  I started telling him something that happened in work - just normal conversation.  He became very angry for no reason and then just took off on me for no reason at all.  It was like he went mad.  He called me terrible names - just like he used to when he was drunk and unfortunately I reacted and got as angry as he did which obviously made things a lot worse. It was awful.  This terrible anger and flying off the handle for no reason at all was what he always used to be like.  He stormed out the apartment and I haven't heard from him since (it has been 3 days).  I'm worried sick in case he has started drinking again and not sure what to do.  Do I contact him to see if he is ok or do I leave him to make him realise his actions?  I want to contact him because I am so worried in case he has given up all he has achieved over the last 2 years and wonder that if he knows I am still here for him, he might stop drinking (if he has started), but on the other hand he called me such awful names and the argument nearly resulted in violence as we were both so angry.  I am furious with myself for reacting the way I did but seeing him the way he used to be made the memories all come flooding back. I feel that if I contact him, he will think I will always forgive him for acting that way. On the other hand should I be more understanding because he is ill and maybe wouldn't act like this if he were not an alcoholic.  I'm so scared in case he is back drinking.   I want to do the right thing and not make things worse.  He never talks to me how he feels and always says he doesn't feel like a drink so I never know his true feelings because I am sure he can't be telling me the truth.  Any advice would be so much appreciated.  Thank you so much.

Answer

Hi Stef,

It sounds to me like you and he are having
relationship problems that are not
being resolved because of supressed
feelings. I believe he has not learned
how to express himself in sobriety
and is keeping alot of his inner turmoil
to himself. Recovery is difficult as you
know and growth takes some people a very long
time. He will have to face his anger issues
eventually and you must both examine
why your feelings of hurt, fear and anger
are not looked at before they result
in a blow up.

In theory this is sometimes called the "pinch
and crunch" pattern.
You have many small pinches or irritations from now
or the past that have not been really
expressed or forgiven.
At some time it builds into a pressure cooker
and you have the "crunch" where everything
comes out in explosive anger.

These things can threaten his sobriety and
he left to get the space he needs to
compose himself.

You can really only work on your own reactions
but you may want to also look at what may
have set him off. Was it fear, jealousy,
or something that he thought sounded
like you may not be there for him?

You cannot always walk on eggs but you
can examine your own thoughts and
your motivations in what you
say to him. Are you trying to
manipulate a certain reaction in him
or are your talks really not emotionally
loaded?

If you two are really going to make it
it will take some growth on both
parts. If he is unwilling to examine
himself as the twelve steps indicate
he should do then there is little hope.

By applying the twelve step program
of recovery an alcoholic can reach
the emotional growth he needs
to survive. That also applies to
the survival of his relationships.
Alanon helps families apply these
principles to their own recovery
which can greatly aid the alcoholic.

We all have to work on ourselves and
at some point give up trying
to solve our mates problems.
Only he can be responsible for
his part in this outburst
and only he can really grow and recover
as needed.

As they say we only need to clean up
our own side of the street.
Let go and let him be as he will, that's life.

Take care,
Druideck.
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