Expert: Clyde - 6/8/2011

Question
I believe my fiance has finally hit rock bottom after spending time in jail recently due to an alcoholic blackout. When he got out of jail, we talked and agreed that he has a drinking problem. Yesterday we went to an AA meeting together. He says that he is committed to staying sober, and I hope he is. He is going to another meeting tonight by himself. My question is, what is the best thing for me to do? How can I help him through this new life style?

Answer
Amber,
   Thank you for your question and praise be to a Higher Power your fiance is ready to change his life!!!  AMEN!!
   You ask what can you do to help him "through" this new life style...  Well, the only thing you can do is offer him 100% support no matter what befalls his new life.  The word "through" is a misnomer of recovery understanding, but you will learn that along the way.  If he has had the miraculous change in his outlook on his active alcoholism then the word is "in" - let us change that to "in the life style change" for it must be permanent and will never be accomplished, he will progress but it is not a goal he shoots for - it is the journey that is the key. He will progress day by day and see where his Higher Power chooses to take him.
   You two are embarking on what will be the single biggest life adventure from here til death do you part.  The ride will be immense and thrilling, filled with ups and downs, victories and setbacks but, wow, does he have some fantastic days ahead.  That is if he is serious that he has had his last drink.
   I suggest that you get a second copy of the Big Book of AA (he needs to have one of his own and he needs to get a sponsor within the next week or so and they will begin to read the book together as he begins to work the 12 steps.) You will want to devour the Big Book as well if you want to know what he has been dealing with and what is to come.  The wives of Dr. Bob and Mr. Bill supported these two founders all the days of their sober lives.
   You will want to leave him alone when he wants to be left alone and you will want to stay out of his program - he needs to work this thing for himself and no one else.  If he cannot remain sober for himself then he will not be able to stay sober for anyone or anything else.
   You will want to consider working your own program in Alanon, for families of alcoholics, depending on what has occurred in your life and his life from the standpoint of addictive behaviors.  You will learn that this is a family disease.
   Your message about this grace being bestowed on him so recently simply warms my heart and makes me longingly look ahead into the future when one day, twenty years hence, perhaps, you will send me another message and you will recount for me all the experiences you two have as a sober couple in those intervening years and you let me know that your support was absolute.  This does not forecast the future... but it should myteriously send you on a life adventure....
  Thanks again for making my day!
  If you are a romantic and you have been touched by anything I have shared, print out this answer and hold it in a very sacred place and take it out and read it when times are good and when they are bad and focus on the one word I have written - "absolute."
Grace and Peace,
My Prayers are mightily with you both, but mostly for him at this young time in his sobriety.
Clyde