Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 7/31/2011

Question
I have dated a man for over a year. He is an alcoholic and gets very violent and mean when he is drunk. I lived with him for six months in Florida and one night he got drunk and I left to de-escalate the fight and stay away from harm.  While I was gone he smashed my TV and threw all my belongings out on the street. I was forced to moved back home to PA with my family. I have been trying to make it work with him. He goes to AA everynight, counseling, and speaks with his priest daily. He is determined to get better so that we can have a life together...we were planning on getting married. He is the kindest, sweetest, most loyal man until he gets drunk. He had not drank since I moved away until last week he got drunk out of the blue and called and harassed my family, left horrible messages on the answering machine, and cussed out my family till all hours of the morning. It was horrible and really made me doubt if he will ever change. Of course, the next day he begged for forgiveness. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much but I want a life that isn't filled with so much damage. I do not know if I should stay with him, support him, and maintain a long distance relationship or cut ties until he has time for himself to get help. I have already been forced to move 1200 miles away from him...how many more horrible things are going to happen until he wakes up? When is enough enough? I am torn because he is everything I want in a man except the demon of drinking. I love him.

Answer
Dear Corissa

You have to decide which is more important, your health and safety or your need to be with an abusive person. I would suggest that you not see him until he can prove he has been sober for one year. Otherwise you are risking great harm. I also have to warn you that the alcohol does not cause his abusive behavior, it only lets it loose. He could be that way sober.