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Addiction to Alcohol/Enabling / codependent question

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Expert: - 8/8/2011


Question
My fiance' and I are both 52.  He has been a substance abuser (occasional crack) until recently (clean 8 months).  He has been through rehab (and AA) twice.  (Before I met him, 1 year ago.)
His recent crack stoppage was on his own. He agreed to join a program, but didn't.

Currently, he still abuses alcohol.  He gets ugly the further past 2 drinks he goes, and he would do this every night if he could; he is a musician, and gets free drinks when he plays.  A lot of his self-esteem is based on his identity as a musician.

I am a light social drinker - average 2 drinks a week, sometimes none. I do not do tobacco or weed.  I am health conscious, but not obsessive about it.

I was never involved with a substance abuser or alcoholic until now.  My dad was an alcoholic, and mom took us to Alanon when I was a teenager.  I'm also pretty well-versed in psychology.  I'm very aware that substance abuse is about the user's other/underlying issues.  

I do plan to go to Alanon, but until then, I have a question:  when does being a designated driver become enabling?  When I drive, he is more likely to have more than 2 drinks.  

Thank you.

Answer
Beverley Glazer MA. ICADC
Beverley Glazer MA. IC
Hi Jewel,

Good question.

When you are a designated driver, you're allowing the person to 'let go' -- past the legal limit.
In the case of your fiance, you're enabling -- your giving an alcoholic the permission to get drunk.

Tell him that you'll gladly drive at any time, but not if any alcohol is involved. Be prepared for an argument, but hold your ground.

I hope this infromation is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com
    Questioner's Rating
    Rating(1-10)Knowledgeability = 10Clarity of Response = 10Politeness = 10
    CommentThank you so much for your reply, Beverly. I especially liked your phrasing, which I'll include in my conversation with him. I also think he just can't drink any more, either, since his underlying issues are still unaddressed; he's still self-medicating, with alcohol now his medication of choice. Thanks again :)


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Beverley Glazer

Expertise

I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.

Experience

I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.

Organizations
NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association, For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Education/Credentials
BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor, CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.

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