Expert: Druideck - 8/2/2011

Question
Hi Druideck,
Thank you for taking the time to read my question and for any advice you may be able to offer me.
I am 31years old mother of two, and have recently discovered that my mother(64yrs) is secretly drinking. I have a vague recollection of this happening many years ago, but i was a lot younger and i guess I just forgot about it.
She likes to have a few glasses of wine each evening, which I find to be quite 'normal' and doesn't cause anyone any harm.
However i am currently staying with my parents for a few days, and noticed this morning at she had a specific mug that she kept carrying around the house with her, and every now and then would rub it to imply it was a warm coffee. I noticed that she carried the mug into her bedroom and came back out without it. So when she was out of sight i went into her room to find it half-full on the floor beside her bed, with a bag in front of it so as to hide it.
I then looked in her handbag and found a half bottle of bacardi and a bottle of Pepsi. (is is what was in the mug)....later on i heard some rummaging and discovered that she had removed he bottles from her handbag and hidden them behind towels etc in her bathroom.
I do not know how long this has been going on for, the mug didn't make an appearance again the rest of the day. Surely my Dad must notice this behaviour? And he must realise how much money is unaccounted for!

I really don't know what to do, my parents 40th wedding anniversary is this year, and they have been having some arguments lately. I know what my mother is like, and i fear that if I talk to her about this , she may run away- or it could cause a huge argument between my parents that could not be reconciled.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi Rosie,

I can understand you being concerned
with your mother's health. The thing
that does concern me is the level
of secrets that seems to exist in your
family as a unit.

Have you ever tried to be honest
with how you feel and then let
the consequences fall where they may?

Families where alcoholism exists or
is developing rely on a closed system
of interaction between family members.

This behaviour develops in order
to protect the family from loss
of self-esteem should anyone find out
the truth of what is going on
in the family.

Alcoholism causes a family
to be even more closed and secretive
about uncomfortable events than
most "normal" family units.

I would either stay out of it until
you think your mom is in danger
healthwise or start casually bringing
up the fact that her behaviour is bothering you.

If there is no one that you can look to
for support then you can only
approach the subject carefully with
your mother alone.

If she is unwilling to talk about
things or believes it is her own
business then you can only back off
until it looks like intervening
will be necessary to protect
her from danger.

Interventions can be done when a person
seems unresponsive in casual talks.
This is better when done with a few
loved ones present and can be
very uncomfortable for all concerned.
Feelings must sometimes be felt and expressed.
If you or your family are not capable
of being truthful then there is little
chance of success possible.

Sure, your mom will not like someone
noticing her hiding her drinks
but that is no reason to avoid trying
to help her. She may not like talking
about it but some honesty may be
necessary to break the unhealthy secrets
your family has been keeping.

Sometimes 40 years is too long to be together
if you must pretend things are okay.
If they cannot work through this problem
then the relationship does not really exist
between them as you would like it to be.

To be healthy you all have to stop hiding
and if someone gets angry that's life.
Love cannot exist in a lie.

Talk to your mom in a caring non-judgemental way
and let her know you are there for her
to talk to if she wants.
Then let go and let her decide what she wants to do.

If some honesty doesn't help then
your only recourse is an intervention
to force treatment on her if you
think she is alcoholic.

There are some alcohol tests online you could do
or have her do to see how serious her drinking is.
Do a search on google and some should show up.

Often we can only express our concern, offer support
and stop keeping secrets. Beyond that it is
the responsibility of the person to seek help
and recover as they will eventually have to do
it for themselves anyway.

We all care about people but cannot change them
without their cooperation.

I wish you luck,
Druideck.
-------------------------