Expert: Clyde - 9/21/2011

Question
Hi,

I am an alcoholic woman with 2 yrs in the AA program. I have not been in a relationship for the majority of that time.  I am just beginning to get "on my feet" socially and am interested in a gentleman w/ 22 yrs sobriety.  He has expressed an interest in getting to know me better as well.  There is about a 20 yr age difference between us. (I am 44 and he is in his 60's) I think it might be a good thing but am really afraid to start a "relationship process" because of a bad marriage.  Am afraid to take a chance I suppose.  I treasure my sobriety and don't want to do anything wrong. Is it an OK thing for someone with so little time to date an old-timer?

Answer
Traci,
   The question of dating a person who has longevity in sobriety is best answered by assessing the person's lifestyle and actions currently. Do they value sobriety?  do they still talk good AA and walk good AA even better?  Is his sobriety something that you would want?  If all these are affirmative then chances are your sobriety will not suffer because of getting into a relationship.
   I, for one, do not believe that age is a good determinant for successful relationships.  It depends on the maturity of the two persons and if they have some sense of what is probably inevitable - the older person will die first.  If the reality of this can be seen then the younger person has a chance of looking at the relationship in a loving way and not from a selfish aspect.  If there is fear in the younger person about the death possibility then I would counsel against it.  It may signal that the younger person is more prone to needing a lifelong mate closer in age to improve the probablilities of living out life together.
   I am glad that you value your sobriety.  Make it your number one concern in all that you do and you'll keep racking up the days and weeks and months and years and decades...
Grace and Peace,
Clyde