Expert: Clyde - 9/30/2011

Question
Clyde,

Thank you for your wisdom and insight. I met and fell in love with a wonderful guy about 2 years ago. The first year of our relationship couldn't have been better. We travelled, developed strong bonds with each other's families, had a great circle of friends, etc. We would enjoy a couple of drinks with friends, or relax with a glass of wine while watching movies together but all was within the realm of “normal” and I had no indication of what was to come.

I first became concerned after he faced a major disappointment in his life. He was expecting to go to grad school the following fall but was ultimately denied at all of the programs he had applied for. He became distant for a few days as he struggled with this rejection but bounced back after a week -- except that he seemed to be drinking more, to the point of becoming physically impaired. We had several serious conversations about his abuse of alcohol and he tried several times, unsuccessfully, to control the amount he was drinking. His drinking started to create uncomfortable or embarrassing situations and I would find myself leaving him and returning to my place to separate myself from the condition he was putting himself in. This went on for a couple months. Our times together when he was sober were absolutely the best. And we would even have fun at times when alcohol was involved as long as he was able to limit his intake. But he was crossing that line and becoming impaired more often than not, and his days of sobriety were becoming few and far between.

Things changed when he was unexpectedly contacted by a very well-respected organization and offered a job of a lifetime in a city states away! He was beaming with happiness and excitement and told me that he didn’t want to do this without me. Our relationship, aside from his increased drinking in the few months prior to this, had been so wonderful and there was no way either of us were going to let each other go. I believed that this opportunity for him would make him feel accomplished and valued and that he wouldn’t feel the need to use/abuse alcohol like he was. This new city is probably the best city for me to grow in the line of work that I do so this was something I was excited to explore, too. I found myself leaving my employer that I loved, my friends and family, packing up my beautiful apartment, leaving all the things that I loved and moving with him hundreds of miles away to start our new adventure. This was the first time we had lived together and that is when I realized the true scope of his alcoholism.

The job ended up not going very well for him and he either quit or was fired 6 months later. The hours and stress were overwhelming and he turned to alcohol more and more to cope. I was slow to establish myself in our new city, and find the things that made me, me! I became more isolated, finding myself making up excuses as to why we couldn’t come out and be social with other people. It was easier than being embarrassed by my boyfriend’s drunkenness. His condition worsened and I felt I had to be even more tied to staying home, to ensure he wasn’t burning the place down accidently, etc. I realize now I became hyper-focused on him and his drinking and it turned me into someone that I didn’t recognize. Things just got so out of hand. I was worrying about him every moment of every day for a year and it made me insane! I was reacting out of fear and became irrational and sometimes angry at the things that happened as the result of his drinking. His health and cognition became so impaired and it was absolutely terrifying to have to witness. He was unable to find another job so he moved back home with his parents 2 months ago, leaving me struggling financially to fulfill the second year of our 2-year lease. It was only after he left that I realized how isolated of a life I had lead and am working hard at making connections, rebuilding my life and refinding me.

As hard as it was to see him leave, it was an absolute blessing. I believe that he may not have survived another year here going at the pace he was at. He was also living under the constant cloud of failure that his dream job with his dream employer didn't work out. He was not reaching out to the resources available to him here, other than dabbling in AA; nor did he have health insurance or a job to pay for services. I saw a serious shift in him wanting to truly find sobriety, but he didn’t realize yet that he couldn’t do this on his own. He would tell me AA meetings depressed him and drove him to drink even more. I realized I was powerless but he had yet to make that realization.

He now lives hundreds of miles away with his wonderful family who is making sure he is getting the help he needs. He has a wonderful sponsor and is taking AA seriously (or so he tells me). He is extremely brilliant and driven and has recommitted to applying to another round of grad programs with the hope of starting grad school a year from now. He is teaching collegiately in the meantime and it’s keeping him quite busy, along with maintaining focus on his recovery and planning for grad school. Oh – and trying to quit smoking! I would say he has a lot on his plate. We’ve been in this long-distance relationship now for 2 months and I miss him more each day. We wrote letters to each other each week, spoke a couple times a day and were in contact via text all the time. I felt so good about the healthy direction we were in. We were reconfirming our love and commitment to each other every day and I had absolute faith that we would come out of this, in recovery, being even better than we were when we first met.

Several weeks ago, he asked me for a break in the relationship. Not a breakup; just a break. He stated that he needs to focus on his recovery and is reevaluating what is best for him and his future. This came as a surprise. Just a day before he was saying how much he loved me and we talked about a visit in the coming weeks. And now suddenly...a break. I respect this and am grateful that he communicated this need to me, and I have been giving him his space and time. I’m using this time to work my own 12-step program in Al-Anon, working with a therapist, and developing a deep spiritual facet of my life. I’m journaling, identifying my issues and overcoming them. But I miss him deeply. I have called him twice and text him a few times in the past weeks. His response to me has been more and more distant. Almost cold. In our last discussion I asked him how he feels about me and he indicated that was something he is working on figuring out right now. My words of love and encouragement don’t seem to be something he wants to hear right now. I don’t think he wants to hear from me at all right now! The only thing that got me through this past year with him has been faith that our strong foundation and love would persevere and that we could rediscover each other in recovery. I know how amazing our relationship can be and feel that it will only be better in the future after we’ve both worked on our issues. Alcohol definitely stole this past year from us but it could not wipe away that foundation. I can't stand the thought of losing that. I’ve been reading a lot about early recovery and how addicts will go through a grieving process. Perhaps he is in the anger stage and isn’t sure where to place that anger at the moment or how to process it. Who knows. I understand that if he works through the steps and remains committed to working his program that he will make amends to me and I to him. I also understand that it is only when we both have successful recoveries will we be able to have a healthy, successful relationship together. Even with the reality of relapse, I am confident that I will have the tools I need to not lose myself and be better able to cope with his addiction. I feel like he would want someone who has been through the darkest days with him and understands what it takes to live life in recovery. I know he is trying to save his life right now and is not able to even think about a relationship and I do respect that. It is only out of my deep love for him and with spiritual guidance that I’m able to endure this right now.

Is it wrong to maintain hope for a future with him? I feel like I’ve lost him – like he has rejected me. He is just about a month sober now and I’m sure he is feeling some nasty things that he’s kept buried under alcohol for so long. I’m trying to understand this seemingly sudden turn on his part. His emotional cutoff from me. I know everyone handles the recovery process in a different way, but is this common?

In gratitude,

Anna

Answer
Anna,
   Thank you for your questions and for the superb narrative on the situation as it developed and as it is for today.

   Your question: "Is is wrong to maintain hope for a future with him?, is answered unequivocal-ably, as "yes!"  This is where people stumble so quickly in their assessment of relationship difficulties - if you had genuine love for the person you will naturally have genuine love for them until you die - it is as simple as that.  The crux of the matter is that it hurts so badly to love so completely.  
   And God gave us a little gift and it is mentioned in Lamentations 3:31-33 which says this (paraphrased) "Although God causes grieve,....he does not willingly grieve anyone."  This simple passage says that the gift is a process of grief so that our hurts can be healed but that God does not place us in hurtful places just to watch us suffer grief.
   So you are experiencing grief.  As long as you love you will hurt for the love.  But healing in grief begins when we realize that we have no control over another person, place, or thing.  That is your test right now - do you accept this or not?
   As for him, he never grew up if he is alcoholic.  His maturity is stunted and it must begin to grow again.  With abstinence from drink and other alcoholic behaviors he has a chance.  So he is in a very good place.  His emotions have been stunted as well.  His ability to understand feelings (his and other persons) is skewed well into the selfish, and self-centered direction.  These are but the beginning of his ordeal.
   If he will maintain sobriety and achieve what we call "emotional sobriety," meaning he projects sobriety into every facet of his life, then he has a chance to meet who he was intended to be.  Alcoholics essentially do not know who they are - they become "false" selves.
   If he cares to learn all these new things, one day at a time, and is serious about the program, sponsorship, etc. then perhaps he will learn all that he needs to know in order to sort out how he feels about you.
   I can say this - I pray for him and I pray for this discovery of how he truly feels for you.  You have to face the fact that it may not be in your favor.  This is not your fault - it is his for having lived a lie (maybe) or just not known what life was all about in relationships.  My first wife told me within about six months of my new life in sobriety that "she did not like me" and she gave me a bottle of bourbon and asked me to drink.  I had the presence of mind to know I liked who I discovered myself to be as a sober human being.
   I share that so that you can think about this:  What if he discovers he does not like you?  and the real question is : what if you discover you really don't like him?
   I hope this may have helped somewhat.
Grace and peace,
Clyde