Expert: Beverley Glazer - 9/15/2011

Question
My boyfriend is 26 years old. We have been together for 3 years, we broke up for 6 months  after he had gotten laid off from work. He then starting drinking almost everyday, his bestfriend died and the drinking got worse. We then got back together, he starting working full time and things were good. He did not drink during the week but as soon as friday hits, he was MIA. He wouldnt even answer my phone calls, he would just continue drinking. He then started cheating on me the weekends and texting other girls, but claims "he loves me" We have been on again off again since all of this, i forgave him for everything after he admitted to me he had a problem and wanted help. After getting me back, he wanted to fix the problem on his own. He wouldnt drink during the week then starting drinking again friday and saturday. He has even starting drinking on sundays. He becomes extremely mean to me telling me to leave him alone on the weekends then come sunday night he threatens to kill himself and then tells me he loves me. I just dont no what to do. I am hanging on but he is taring my life apart. i am miserable. But he was the BEST boyfriend for 3 years and i feel like he really does love me but when he drinks he becomes a different person. What do i do?? I tried telling him to get help or im done with  him but i can never walk away, i love him way to much.

Answer
Hi Lisa,

It seems that your boyfriend doesn't want to give up drinking and although he says he 'loves you', he's been cheating. He has been 'extremely mean' and threatens to kill himself (an ultimate manipulation) and then tells you he loves you. He's using guilt so that you stay with him, regardless of his behavior.

This is typical codependency. Here is more information on that:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency.html

When you're a codependent it's very hard to stay away and you may need help to do this. If there's a CODA group in your area, I suggest that you join it. You'll get support from others in similar situations. You can't change him, but regardless of how he was 3yrs ago, you have to ask yourself why you want this person today.

If he shapes up and gets back to the person he once was, you can allow him into your life, but until then, although it hurts,
you should incorporate more positive people in your life and move on.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com