Expert: Beverley Glazer - 9/21/2011

Question
When my boyfriend and I first met, I was the more alcoholic partner.  We didn't live together and he came over mostly every other weekend.  He drank maybe once during the week because he was in college at the time and then on the every other weekends with me.  I was a daily drinker.  We enabled each other basically.  In 2009, I got acute pancreatitis and was hospitalized for 3 days.  Luckily, I had a mild case and no long term damage.  I quit drinking that day and haven't had a drink since.  His drinking accelerated a month later after he got out of college and couldn't find a job.  He moved in 6 months after I stopped drinking because he told me he wouldn't drink around me and we have lived together now for 2 years.  Needless to say, he lied.  He just won't stop drinking.  I have tried every tactic I can come up with from begging and pleading to threatening to kick him out.  When I tell him that he is threatening my sobriety by drinking, he basically says I'm just upset because I can't drink anymore.  He says he drinks to listen to music like we used to and because of stress.  I have tried to use the logic on him, "What am I supposed to do when I'm stressed and want a drink?"  He has no real answer.  He has now resorted to even more lying and trying to hide it even though I "bust him" every time and he swears up and down he is done with it.  I know the spill about you can't make him stop, etc.  I guess I'm just even more frustrated because I was able to stop successfully and I thought I was a bad alcoholic!  I don't want to die from it.  I try to use that reasoning as well.  He got hurt really bad drinking earlier this year when he fell down a flight of stairs and into a sliding glass door and ended up in the hospital for 3 days with a shattered ankle and foot and still has a bolt in it.  I made him move out for 6 months.  Now he has been back 6 weeks after promising me that he wouldn't drink in my house again.  For the first 3 weeks, he didn't and now the past 3 weeks, he has drank every Tuesday night since he is off work on Wednesday.  We have had fights every Wednesday and I've told him to leave.  He apologizes, begs, and swears he's done and a week later, here we are again.  I'm at the end of my rope!

Answer
Hi Lynn,

As you know, no one can stop anyone from drinking.

In your case, you had a wake-up call when you suffered pancreatitis. This is extremely painful, and it was enough motivation for you to change your lifestyle. However, although your partner says he wants to quit, he has mixed feeling about doing it.  The problem here, is that his behavior threatens your sobriety.

No matter what he says, he has to show you he's making a concerted effort to stay sober. He needs help. Tell him to go to AA or get counseling to keep him on track, but don't nag, beg etc. He has to do the work. Until he gets help and stays sober for more than 6 months, you should not allow him back into your life. There may also be a  co-dependency issue as well. Many alcoholic/addicts get into codependent relationships and here is a self-help test that may help you define it:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/relationship-tests.html

This roller-coaster of emotions can put your sobriety in jeopardy. You've given him many chances. If in the future, if he becomes stable, and you are still interested, you can renew you relationship. But until that time, you have no choice but to move on -- not easy, but in AA language 'take care of #1'.

Hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best

Bev
Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com