Expert: Beverley Glazer - 9/6/2011

Question
I have had a alcoholic female friend for 5+ years now. She and I have gone on vacation together, partied together, and are soul mates in many ways. We have had sex multiple times and even contemplated the idea of dating, but we can't seem to make that step. (I can't seem to get past trust issues with her excessive drinking, and she can seem to get past feelings of being "tied down"). I have no delusions that I have not been an enabler, but I myself was in denial for a long time about her addiction.

During the past five years, she has satisfied my need for female companionship so I have not felt a need to go find a girlfriend.
On the other hand, she has had 6-10 (I lose count) "boyfriends". Ironically, we usually have "friend sex" even when she is dating.

Now I know that I don't have a right to be jealous since we are not dating, but a couple years ago I told her that it really bothered me that she was having so many sexual relationships. She told me that she loved me as her best friend and that she did not want to hurt me, but nothing really changed. We have had that conversation a few times since then and she gets depressed every time she hurts me. Of course this starts the cycle all over again.

We both rely on each others friendship deeply. The idea of not being friends is unacceptable to both of us. Yes, Co-dependence is a word I have identified with greatly. How can I break the cycle with out crushing myself in the process?

Answer
Hi Brian,

This is not a healthy relationship. Your friend seems to be OK with it and why shouldn't she? She has a traveling companion, a sex partner, other boyfriends and all the drink she wants, so why should she want to change?

As you said, this is a codependency issue. Here is a self test that can help you define it:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/relationship-tests.html

Your friend is an alcoholic and many alcoholics get into codependent relationships. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic. First, she has to give up her lifestyle.  

You're giving her too much of your time, and preventing yourself from finding more positive relationships. Your friend will want to continue the good thing that she has going, but you're the one who has to break the cycle.

You can still be friends with her, however, your friendship must be more distant. To break the codependency, invest less time and emotional energy in this woman so you can incorporate other people into your life. There may be a CODA group in your area. If there is, I suggest that you go to meetings.

Regards,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com