Expert: Beverley Glazer - 1/12/2012

Question
Hi! My ex just came out of 28 day rehabilitation on 12/9. I broke it off in Oct and he said losing me was what made him quit drinking. I was so hurt, exhausted, and broken that I had to distance myself.  I told him it was over but he said he would fight for me no matter what once he was sober.  I believed him and held onto it because I love him even after he left me alone when I told him I was pregnant and never came to the hospital when I miscarried among so many other selfish behaviors. I was finally able to talk a few weeks ago. He said he still loved me and we needed to hash things out. But I felt he was holding back. He admitted he was breaking the rules and sleeping with a woman he met while he was in. He is just starting the 12 steps of AA. When we spoke he seemed like he could not complete a thought. He said any stress was a trigger and he needed to talk to his sponsor. The next day he said he talked to his sponsor and decided he only wants to be friends and he loves the rehab woman. I feel like he is lost, not thinking for himself and beat down. I am lost and feel betrayed and destroyed. I know I broke it off but I believed we would find a way back to each other. I wanted another chance now that he is sober. Am I right in thinking this new relationship won't last? And that he is lost and not being honest with himself and not thinking for himself? I can't help but feel AA is such a poor choice and I am afraid for him. I know I must move on but need to understand this process before I can. He still has my heart and I can't believe he stopped loving me so easily and so fast. Any advice is so appreciated. I am heart broken and sad beyond belief. I feel so defeated against alcohol. Thank you for listening.

Answer
Hi Sonsheehray,

When someone leaves a rehab the first and only focus that is recommended is to stay sober. Most rehabs suggest going to meetings, getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps. Here's more information on that :http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/12-step-program-of-aa.html
This is not an easy process.

The program also recommends that no one should be in a relationship for at least a year. During the first year, you are supposed to go to meetings, stay sober and build your life. The membership also provides social support as well as a sober community.

Your ex admitted that he broke rules by having a relationship in rehab and as well as continuing it. This is not advisable, and the sponsor can tell him this, but there's not much anyone can do -- he's not listening.

Your ex chose to stay in the relationship with the new woman, but he's chosen to remain friends with you. This is a good thing for you. When one goes into intensive treatment, there are many thoughts and emotions that surface and he's changed -- but you don't know how long he will stay sober.

The important thing is that you put your life together. This is painful because it's not what you expected, but as you move on with your life you may not want this guy in the long term.

I hope this information is helpful.
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best

Bev
Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com