Expert: Erin Madigan Stathis, LMHC, NCC - 1/26/2012

Question
Hello Erin,
  I have a sister who is 13 yrs younger than me. We grew up in a family of heavy drinkers and our parents divorced when my sister was very young. It was an ugly divorce and our fathers side of the family would not speak to our mother, or my sister much for that matter. By the time they divorced I was grown starting a family of my own. When she was small I would get her on the weekends/weeks that dad was to have her because he and his new wife did not want her visits which just broke my heart. This went on into her early teen years and then stopped. She started drinking and doing drugs about then (I found out later) and wasent coming around much.Our mother wasent speaking to me because she felt I took dads side and was the cause of him having another woman. Which of course was not the case. I told you that to tell you this. My sister married a man who was a drug addict and they were together 20 yrs until he died 2yrs ago of lung cancer. She and her husband barely survived together both doing drugs daily and drinking. We didnt have much of a relationship through those years because I couldnt put up with the crazieness of their life style and tried to talk to her about getting sober and after burning their house out with pot plants growing in the basement they were so ordered by the judge. through those years she would call me and tell me they barley had enough for their rent but had no food. I would take bags of groceries to them and after the fire they lived with me for a bit which was a nightmare!!! They were in treatment only untill they could get free of the law and right back where they were yet again.
They lived with me several times through the years. Always being a test of endurance for me! Never helped with bills or food just sponged as much as they could!When her husband was diagnosed with cancer and in treatment for 18 mo until he died I was by their side taking them back and forth to the treatment center which was an hour form my house one way. Never once did they offer gas money or much thanks for that matter. I guess I need to add that most of our family is dead and the very few that are not wont speak to us. So its just pretty much my sister and I. My children live 3 hrs away so they have been sheilded from their crazy aunt.Since her husband died she has lived with me once and it DID NOT work and I asked her to leave. She has lived with friends, her husbands brother,and various other people. Each only lasting a few months. She has told me how she sells drugs,gets in fist fights,has casual sex with about anyone,and touched on prostitution but when she saw the look on my face and tone in my voice said she hasent stooped that low YET. It is Jan and the gal she is living with now has told her she has get out,she cant take the crazyness anymore! I guess I havent told you she is 42 yrs old and on the verge of being homeless in an Ohio winter. The last home she was kicked out of was making bathtub crank and she was selling it for him. I checked into treatment programs and had given her the numbers to get the ball rolling. She refused to do so until she knew there was no where to live and she checked it out. I took her to meet with them and they suggested in house treatment,therapy and a job program to begin with. She decided not to go because after talking to friends they told her she would be labled for the rest of her life and never get a job! Never mind the felony and dui she has on her record! So the bottom line to this Erin is, she has no place to go and wants to move in with me yet again!! I have spent so many sleepless nights and fretful days trying to know what the right thing to do is! I dont want her to be homeless or move to Florida with some guy she met on the internet and has offered to fly her down and told her he had a job waiting for her and the other crazy alternatives she comes up with! I DO NOT want her to live with me and she wont go into treatment! She has caused so much heartache and I am at my breaking point with her. Please,Please Erin is there any sane answer to this! I know if something happens to her I will have a hard time forgiving myself for not bailing her out yet again! I feel like Im the crazy one here and maybe I am,but I know I have to come to a place where Im at peace with this. I know I cant control her life but feel like Im the only family she has.
Thank you Erin for this valuable service!

Vickie

Answer
Dear Vickie,
I am so sorry to read about what a stressful situation you find yourself in.  The short answer to your question is this:  If your sister wants to move to Florida with someone she just met or becomes homeless because of her addiction there is nothing you can do about it.  Going by what you've said, having her move in with you sounds disastrous for you.  You have to take care of yourself and your life.  It sounds like your sister's self-destructive nature sometimes threatens to take down everything near her with her.  That includes you.  

Your sister needs to be in treatment.  If she will not go to treatment, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to force her. The fact is, unless she is going to harm herself, there is nothing you can do at all except to continue to offer her the sound advice to get some help.  If she is going to do something like hurt herself you should contact your nearest emergency room or police station and ask how to get her committed against her will.  Every state has different rules.  I would caution you to do this only in the most extreme of circumstances.  She will only qualify for this if she is in immediate danger of hurting herself.  Usually this is not the case, and it doesn't sound like it is for you, from what you've written.  Others have submitted similar questions.  I am going to quote myself here below.  It absolutely pertains to you.  It refers to the questioner's daughter who is using sleeping pills, but it is the same information that you need to hear about your sister:

"When people are addicted to drugs, the drug use has changed their brain function.  Their bodies consider their drug of choice as important as air or food, and they'll do anything to keep getting it.  The only way people change is when the consequences of drug use outweigh the benefits.  It's sometimes called "hitting your bottom," meaning they've fallen so far they've hit the bottom - and from there, there's nowhere to go but up. When someone has hit their bottom, the consequences of the addiction are so great and they've caused so much loss that there is no choice but to change the behavior.  The thing is, everyone has different "bottoms."  For some, the bottom is marriage problems or losing relationships, for some it is losing jobs, cars, sometimes people have to lose everything.  The bottom line is, unless your daughter considers the consequences of her drug use so great that she must stop, she won't.  This is a very difficult thing for loved ones to understand and cope with.  

"If you want to accelerate the process of her hitting her bottom (and beginning to want to change), then in no way should you help her cushion the falls the drug use causes. For instance, if you cover for her when she's using - with others or with work, if you bail her out if arrested, if you pay the price for her use in any way or make it easier for her to use, you're stopping her from feeling consequences and cushioning the fall.  This is called "enabling" the addiction, and sometimes loved ones do this without realizing it. Tolerating drug or alcohol use never does the loved ones any favors and can delay the time when they finally seek help.  If she is addicted to sleeping pills, chances are she won't be able to stop on her own:  she'll need help/treatment.

"Addiction is a family disease, meaning it affects everyone in the family.  I would suggest you seek treatment yourself as well, either through a counselor or through a self-help group like Al-Anon.  Al-Anon is a group for the loved ones of alcoholics.  There are meetings all over the world.  Here is a link to find a meeting near you or an electronic meeting (online) if you have no meetings near you:  

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

It is crucial for family members to understand this disease, for their own sanity and to make sure they are not contributing to the problem."

So Vickie, the sane answer to this is unfortunately the most difficult one.  You can't bail your sister out.  It's not possible because even if you do that now, you're enabling her addiction.  I STRONGLY suggest you find a counselor for you.  I have family members who are addicts and I know first hand how heart wrenching and horrible this situation is.  You'll need help to get through it.  Find a counselor who specializes in addiction to help you with this.  Lastly, give al-anon a try.  Find a meeting near you.  It really is helpful.

I hope this information helps.  I wish you peace for you and for your sister.
Sincerely,

Erin Madigan Stathis, LMHC, NCC