Addiction to Alcohol/Husband still drinks - I don't
When my husband and I dated, drinking was our recreation -- our only recreation. He had kids from a prior marriage and so did I. We lived like Jekyll and Hyde. When the kids were in the home, we were very church-oriented and instilled Christian values in them. As soon as they went off to be w/ their other parent, my husband and I hit the bars. We were well-known barflies in a relatively big city where "no one from the church" would see us. I didn't notice then that if he had one drink, he was going to have 10-15 before the night was over.
We got married after only three months, even though I was 8 1/2 years older than he. (Boy, has that turned around and bit me in the butt.) That was 23 years ago. During that 23 years, I've been the one, off and on, to quit drinking and turn 100% to my Bible and prayer. He would just go out by himself during the week, get drunk, stay out till 3 or 4 in the morning, and then go to work the next day. But he always stayed sober and stayed at home when it was his visitation time with his kids. Being sober was not so imperative when it was just my kids in the home.
There have been several times when he's worked out of town, even lived out of town, and we would see each other on the weekends. I know that he drank every day during those times and also had affairs during those times, too.
The kids are grown now and we have grandkids. We live and work in the same city, a smaller city. We're older -- I'm really older, 56, and he's 48. We attend church together every Sunday and now I just cannot tolerate even being around alcohol in any way, shape, or form. He has cut back tremendously, but it's that 50/50 chance every day when I wake up, is this going to be the day he doesn't come home and doesn't call and ends up driving home severely intoxicated having been who knows where with who knows who doing who knows what.
I just want to do my job, go to church/Bible study, seek out ways to help people in need. That's my idea these days of "recreation." He is not where I am in that regard. He still wants our recreation to be drinking....starting about noon on Saturday, maybe 4:00 on Sunday, and 6:00 or 6:30 two or three nights a week. That is unless HIS kids and grandchildren are going to be here, because then he jumps over in my camp until they leave. Hence, Jekyll & Hyde.
Drinking is his only "fun," but it's anything but fun for me. I do not believe him to be only a social drinker - ever. We've been at a standoff for about a year now. I want a 100% alcohol-free life and he wants to drink whenever he feels like it with no parameters. Can you help?
It sounds like you have turned your life around and although your husband is aware of his drinking, he has no intention of giving it up. He's driving drunk, so he's also participating in risky behavior and I hope he's aware that there are serious consequences for that.
As you know, no amount of begging, pleading, nagging is going to get him to change his drinking, however you can put your foot down in one area -- the relationship. When it comes to changing the relationship, you have control. Tell him that you can't go on living like this -- not knowing if he will be drinking, drunk, in an accident, in jail
you name it -- that you've lived like this for years and you're not doing it any more.
Demand that you both get marital help. During counseling, the drinking issue will be addressed and he will not be able to avoid it. Speak to the pastor of the church. Pastoral counseling can be very helpful in this area. I suggest that you go to Al-Anon meetings for yourself as well. It will help relieve the frustration and anger that you feel, and the members will also give you support in this very difficult time.
I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts,
All the best to you