Addiction to Alcohol/exhusband
Hi Clyde, you have helped me in the past and I need additional understanding where I am now. My exhusband and I have been divorced for 10 months now. Not much has changed except now we can avoid each other better. My exhusband has been seeing a bar tender for abouth 3 months now. She fits his lifestyle like a glove. They get to play all night and sleep all day. This cannot be healthy for him since she feeds his addition. He sends me texts for no reason explaining how wonderful his life is and he found his soul mate. Other bizzar information about their life together and so on.... not sure how to understand this. Is he trying to hurt me or is it not the bed of roses that he thinks it is and he is trying to convince himself. He spends no quality time with his daughter however she is not making an effort on her part either. I am not getting in the middle of it. My daughter has met her 2 times and wants nothing to do with this girlfriend. I guess my question really is can and alcoholic have a healthy relationship with anyone except for the bottle???? I know this woman has only heard what my ex has told her. He is a great lyer, and manipulater. I on the other hand am not dating until I feel it is right for me. I need to find fulfillment within myself before I can share with someone new. I want it to be the right relationship not just to have one. Is he doing this just to not feel alone since he cannot be along??? Can alcoholics have healthy relationships??? Please shed some light.
waiting for your response.
I remember your questions from the past but was not able to pull up the conversation so I do not know exactly what I may have said. Anyway,...
There are many things that may be going on with him right now that causes him to continue to text you, etc. Those issues can not be talked about because there are just too many. However, we can explore some things about your primary question - "Can alcoholics have healthy relationships?"
The simple answer and probably the best for now, is a simple "NO" they can not have healthy relationships WITHOUT substantive changes within themselves and their behaviors. This is the reason why we, in AA, suggest that someone wait at least one year before entering serious long-term relationships. If we in fact think we have issues with drinking, and we wish to change those, then we must explore the reasons why drinking became a problem in the first place. he did not do this and is still drinking and now in a drinking relationship. Not a good combination.
There can not be any hope in this relationship unless they both have found a miraculous change within themselves individually. AA talks about having a "psychic change" and it must be real and permanent. Chances are this did not happen but we can not say - only those in the relationship can say for themselves.
You will need to look within yourself and discover that hurt area that gets "zinged" by his attitude and texting. He has a hook in you and only you can find out what that might be. For you, his issues in doing what he is doing is of little importance. Work on you like you have been and seek to find the place of absolute forgiveness for him and his past hurts he has inflicted upon you. A writer by the name of Smedes says this about forgiveness. I will paraphrase - "you will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who have hurt you and feel the power within you to wish them well." Marvelous little quote, but most true. It is not easy to live this out but give it a try with the help of the only one who can give you that power within - that one is God!.
I hope this may have helped.
Grace and peace,