Addiction to Alcohol/Is my husband an alcoholic?
I'm a little desperate to the point where I came to here, my case is as follows:
At the beginning of our relationship (before marriage) we went out every other weekend to a bar or downtown and he drank a lot but never was bad, it was funny and we always had fun.
I moved in with him a little bit before we got married, his dad was diagnosed with cancer that year, which was terrible news for the family, but we all tried to be very positive, he is a very strong person physically but very weak in the mental. He had several breakdowns and then he began to drink two or three bottles of alcohol every other day and began to curse life, everyone and even me ... but never to the point of physical violence.
At first I was very scared and I cried a lot, but as time went on I became immune to its behavior for both was better because it always ended in a big argument, which I hate because I am a very happy and positive person.
I talked to him more than one time and told him that he had a drinking problem and had to stop or we would lose him too, I was mostly worried about his health, but he denied and ignored me.
There was a period where he decreased his alcohol intake, everything was better, we got engaged, had a steady job and that period of time was when we were still positive about his father cancer cure.
We decided to get married but at the same time his two grandfathers died, and it was when his father fell into the worst stage of cancer and Doctors told us that the cancer was advancing rapidly; he lost his second job in a year because of the "layoff".
Long story short ... life was turning really hard on us, that's when he started drinking alcohol daily (almost a year ago), about 1 to 2 - 500ml bottles of vodka and 2 bottles of wine.
I have to say that every time he drinks he acts like a fool and gets very aggressive, I never say anything because anything I say can be used against me and he verbally attacks me, I know he does it for the stress he has: his father health, his work and life in general, but I think Iīm a really good wife to him, I am with him in all these delicate and sad moments, hug him and kiss him all the time and I always tell him I love him to remind him that he is not alone, I go to church every week and ask God to enlighten me, I pray every day for him, for his family and for me that God help me to help him some way or another.
In the last month, he has increased his alcohol intake of 1 to 2 - 500ml bottles of vodka, wine and also risking a DUI driving at midnight to a bar where he takes two shots and returns with a six-pack of beer. I honestly have to go to sleep two hours after he begins drinking even when Iīm not sleepy because I know that if I stay in his drunkenness he starts fighting with life and brings me down to his level that ends up in a terrible verbal fight, so to evade is better to go to bed.
I tried for over a year to make him see that this was going to get out of control, his family is very Christian and would be devastated if they knew that's what happens, I even threatened him to talk to his mother and the pastor because more than anything his comments have climbed a step closer to suicide, hate everyone and everything.
I'm so sad because my husband is a good man, hardworking and with a great heart I feel like somehow he lost the meaning of life and I donīt know why my love isnīt enough, I feel I'm not enough wife for him because I canīt take him out of that dark room. I never hated alcohol so much until now, I used to drink with him and now I donīt drink anything for the fear that gives me just thinking I can encouraging him to drink even more.
My husband tolerance is very high due to his daily intake, we donīt go out anymore, because it was fun to do it every other weekend , now it's like a joke if we go out, Iīm always afraid he is going to drink a lot ad get into a fight with someone or me and ruin our night, and if we do so, I feel like a babysitter more than anything else.
One day I found a book of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I asked for ... He said he did take the classes years ago and since then he tells me that the program it's stupid, therefore meetings are not an option, or at least not now.
This post is one of my options to help my husband somehow, I do not know what to do, I feel very bad because he doesnīt listen to me or care about what I think, every time I see him coming back from work with bottles in his hands it makes a whole in my heart and makes me so sad, I'm not Doctor but I donīt need to know that the amount of alcohol he drinks daily can kill you someday .... isnīt?? I love him very much and I hate to think in a future like that, just imagine if I get pregnant and he continues with this?
Please, help me!!!
P.S. sorry if I misspelled words, english is not my first language.
Thank you for your questions and for filling me in on the details of his situation with the drinking.
It is interesting that he has the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and has even attended AA meetings in the past. He knows what he must do to sober up - now, the question is, Will he?
You describe a man who has found alcohol to "solve" all his problems. That is the way all alcoholics fall victim to it - it appears to offer solutions to life's problems but it is all a lie. There are no solutions in alcohol. Else all the problems would go away if they were solved. What happens is the problem gets pushed to the back of the conscious mind and seemingly solved. But once the drunk is over, the problems are still there. That is why we say alcohol is "cunning, baffling, powerful."
Until he wants to face his problems and, more importantly, his fears in life, then he is not going to find a way to stop drinking - it does something for him that he can not do for himself.
I guarantee you he does not really feel the meetings of AA are stupid. he knows the answers lie in the pages of the Big Book and in the experience strength and hope of the people who attend AA on a regular basis. Most of these people are still going to meetings because they want to pass on what they have learned about alcoholism to the next poor sick drunk that walks in the door. He is not willing to face the real reasons he won't get sober.
I have a suggestion - get your own copy of the Big Book and devour it through thorough reading. Especially read the chapter "To Wives" and "The Family Afterward." These will enlighten you on many things associated with his drinking. Second, attend some meetings of Alanon, the meetings for families and friends of alcoholics. Look up meetings places and times in your area on the internet. Here you will find women who have found a way out of the chaos of someone else's destructive behavior.
I hope this may have helped.
Grace and peace,