Addiction to Alcohol/marriage and recovery
February 2009, I finally recognized my alcoholism. My husband seemed encouraged and supportive in my recovery for about 8-9 months and then seemed to sabotage me and became very angry, controlling and unbearable to live with. February 2011, after a 25 marriage he made the choice to leave the me, our 3rd child in high school and our home and has only become more defensive, angry and insisting that I am the blame for all the ills in his life.
I filed for divorce last year and it is taking some time because we owned a business together, that I am no longer involved in.
He has a girlfriend and tells me he is done with our marriage and that our marriage is over.
I am working an AA program for about 4 years and have started Al-Anon as a complement and necessary way to STOP my obsessive thoughts.
I want my marriage and family back and do not know if I have a chance. Even through this difficulty, life in recovery is still better than when I was drinking.
My question is, How can I make sense of what is happening in my life right now?
Thank you for your questions. These are the ones we approach with courage and acceptance. If you have a third edition of the Big Book, look at page 449; I am unsure of the exact page in the fourth edition. But this is the passage about acceptance...
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could no stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
You are enjoying sobriety and know that your worst day sober is better than your best day drunk. That is the blessing. You no doubt know also that you have no control over other people and that includes the husband. His reaction to your decisions to get sober is not your responsibility, sad to say, but that is the truth.
Perhaps your decision to file for divorce has been particularly hurtful and until you rescind that decision you can not expect him to do anything other than be angry and hurt. Acceptance says that we live with the results of decisions we make. This one is no different.
And through the Alanon program you also know that we inflicted much pain on our relationships and when they discover life without us (or with other people)the results may be a goodbye for us. That is also something we must accept.
This all boils down to grief - loss - change - and it takes time to work through all the emotions that come with it.
I hope this may have helped.
Grace and peace,