Addiction to Alcohol/Dating my Girlfriend while she starts AA
I have been in a five year relationship with my girlfriend. During that time we drank together. She was/is an everyday drinker and I only drank when i was with her.
She stared AA in October 2012 and within two weeks broke off our engagement. we have both stopped drinking since that time and she has entered an AA program. She said she "could not talk to me for a year". I did not understand why she decided to end everything so abruptly. After 100 days of mutual sobriety she called me and said she wanted to see me. She told me that she broke of our engagement at the behest for her sponsor. She told me she had fired the sponsor , has a new one , and changed her decision of not talking to me for a year. I always have and always will support her the best I know how in recovery. Not drinking is no problem for me. She , on the other hand needs the help of AA to stay sober.
I love her deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I have no desire or need to drink and for me sobriety is easy. I want to support her.
We have always had an issue about the amount of time we spend together. Our work schedules are different and we are both single parents.
How do I rationalize my desire for long term planning and her desire to live One Day at a Time?
Living one day at a time is the easiest way to live. Of course you will have to make appointments for the future but staying in the day, in the moment and not focusing on will this or that happen next week if I don't do this is stressful. Living one day at a time focusing on what is right in font of you and not making decisions that affect the rest of you life are not always necessary. Some are but most are not. She must stay in the day. because when in recovery, especially early, things you may or may not have to do in the future becomes stressful and takes the focus off of staying sober this moment. We are not promised tomorrow and yesterday has passed. All we have is right now. I understand you want to know now if you will ever get engaged again and marry. But right now anything she puts before her recovery she will loose plus loose her recovery. You are dealing with someone who for a long time has not dealt with life sober for the entire day. She is being faced with situations she may never have encountered sober before. She is essentially learning how to live all over. Her coping skill and answer to things has been alcohol. She is probably scared learning to live without alcohol and how to handle things that come up. I was. I understand that it is difficult for someone on the outside looking in at someone who has drank for years and is now learning to live without it. She needs to focus on her recovery first. If not, everything she places before it will be gone. Try and just be supportive. If it is meant to be that you all get married it will happen. But give her the time to learn to live without alcohol. She may be an entirely different person that before. My suggestion to you is to please attend some al-anon meetings. There you will find men and women who have been or are going through the same things as you. It's free, confidential, last 1 hour and incredibly helpful. Don't just go 2-3 times. I want you make a meeting as often as possible, every day if you can. I know you have kids and work. Just make what you can. Be open-minded, willing and honest. You don't have to say anything. Just listen. You can find meetings in your are by searching al-anon meeting in my city, state. You may see someone you know there. Some meetings are open and you can take someone with you for support. She goes to AA and family and friends of loved ones with an alcohol problem go to Al-anon. You will get the support, answers, skills, resources you need to help yourself which will in tun help your girlfriend. Some AA sponsors are crappy. Like you experienced: Not talking to you or being in a relationship for a year. No where does it say that in any AA literature. If you need assistance finding al-anon meetings, have questions, need more information please ask. But alcoholism affects all involved, not just the alcoholic. A couple can't expect things to change, get better or work effectively unless both get help. You will learn about her and her behaviors etc in sobriety. You will learn how to deal with those. You will also learn the tools needed to not enable(even if accidental) her to drink. You will learn to make her be accountable for her choices, behaviors, etc. I can't stress enough how important it is that you go so you guys will have the healthiest relationship to survive difficult times. Please let me know I can do do anything else. I'll be glad to look up Al-anon meetings if you want. Let me know. Also, some al-anon and AA meetings meet in the same building just different rooms. Perhaps you two can one day go together.