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Addiction to Alcohol/Wife of Alcoholic Now Sober

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Question
I am now the ex-wife of a "sober" (his words) functioning alcoholic. I left our home with our 3 children in 10/2011.  He says he is sober now.  He was/is a sneaker.  Always drinking so no one saw the beer.  He was and still is verbally abusive.  We went through 3 years of counseling before officially divorcing.  We tried to become closer about 5 months ago.  Tge problem is, he says he is sober and he is "over it".  Meaning over the 18 years of marriage and all that happened.  He also continues to say things like, "I only say this because you say that" or "I only did that because you said this".  It's always always been like that.  He began going to church the month we divorced and he is in a men's group.  However, they don't know him.  He has created a whole new person.  No ones knows him.  He still treats me and the children the same but is a whole new person for his church friends.  From AlAnon I learned this is denial/dry drunk etc.  is he even hopeful at getting help or changing from getting help?  He has chosen to just tuck everything away as if nothing happened.  Please any thoughts would be grately appreciated.

Answer
Anyone who is willing open minded and not constitutionally incapable or. Incapable of being honest can get sober. If the have any grave mental or emotional issues such as a severe mental illness such as schizophrenia may not be able or at the very least struggle to get and stay sober. So there is hope. But it sounds like he has some type of mental illness by playing 2 different people, or he is still using and then he would be dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde. He sounds sketchy to me. If he has changed then why not be himself. Why does he have to pretend to be someone different in different situations. It doesn't sound like he is working a program of recovery. He is either still drinking, a dry drunk or has mental illness. If so, there is hope. However, it's up to him. No one can force him to change. But, you don't have to expose yourself or your children to it. He will be found out eventually. You must care for yourself and kids. When and if he is ready, he can change only if willing, honest and open minded. You keep going to al anon and kids, if old enough ala teen. He knows where to go for help. When he gets tired of living a lie, and tired up putting up thiis front then maybe he will want to change. I hope I have helped. But yes he can change, but he must first want to. Let me know if you have more questions.

Addiction to Alcohol

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Leigh, BS, QMHP, QMRP

Expertise

I can answer questions about alcoholism, 12-step programs and general inpatient and outpatiennt treatment programs. I can answer questions about living life as an alcoholic, sobriety, different types of recovery, treatment, relapse and help for loved ones of alcoholics. I have extensive treatment and 12 step experience. I have been a substance abuse counselor as well. I have drank champagne with the rich and famous and lived in homes with no running water or electricty. I have experienced a lot both in and out of recovery. I am a social worker who has worked with people with mental illness, alcoholism, addiction, and sex addiction issues. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict and have been homless due to my addiction and worked hard to regain my integrity. I am a social worker that works with individuals in the criminal justice system with mental illness and/or addictions.

Experience

I have lived the life of addiction and the life of recovery. I have attended many 12-step meetings. I have been a substance abuse counselor. I am NOT a doctor. If you want personal experience with any of the above then ask me! I have spent countless months in treatments centers and years in AA.

Organizations
NAMI CHADD Trainings and seminars on alcoholism and addiction MHA

Publications
Forsyth Families bp

Education/Credentials
BS: Sociology and Criminal Justice, MS: working towards in Professional Counseling

Past/Present Clients
Poly substance abusers. Mental illness with substance abuse

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