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Addiction to Alcohol/Married to a man I hardly know anymore


I have been in a relationship for the past 10 years with my now husband of the past five years.   It seems I find myself disappointed time and time again with his abuse of drinking and drug abuse.   As far as I know he is smoking pot which is a daily occurrence and this behavior does not disappoint me for some reason but it his drinking that I can not understand.   He does have a good job but it is on his days off where I am guaranteed to come home from work to him usually passed out.  I have tried the crying, screaming and just plain ignoring him.  There are the lies of today I will not drink - I know that this is an illness and I am not to blame for his drinking but I just don't even want to come home to my own home at times and once I am here and see that he has been drinking I just want to run.  I find that I am expecting that with all my prayers one day he will see that drinking has destroyed many lives and that ours will be destroyed as well - then I think maybe he behaves this way so that I will just ask him to leave.   It is once again tonight that he is passed out - which he probably feels is better than having to hear me.   I hope and pray that he figures this out and can receive the help that he so desperately needs.  I see that his family life is very estranged as opposed to mine which is a very close family.  I have tried to figure out what could possibly cause him to drink time and time again. I am a highly successful executive which is funny because while climbing the ladder I used to hear of success woman with man in their life similar to mine - I know that I am not the type of woman who needs to take care of man to feel self worth but I some how still love him - I have been divorced previously and perhaps I just don't want to go down that road again!  I am at a loss of what to do - is being alone really so bad as to being with a man I hardly know anymore.  Thanks for your time in reading this - my heart is just broken.

   Thank you for your questions and for explaining something of the situation.  Indeed, alcohol aims to disrupt relationships and this is clear in your case.  All addictions are of this effect - destroyed relationships.  And the active addict/alcoholic does not know it.   Here is what the Big Book of AA has to say: "RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

   Notice the three references to "honesty" - that is the key to sobriety. Your husband may be of this type.  You no doubt have tried and tried and tried to get him to see how he is self-destructing and he has made empty promises time and time again.  Until he is willing to get honest, little can be done for him.

   Knowing that, it will be time for you to center on yourself and not the alcoholic.  It will mean being honest with yourself about what you believe God may be telling you about your own life and future.  This will take some soul searching and deep reflection.  It will require looking at your own needs for which a husband would be necessary.  This is not about him any longer.

   You have mentioned divorce in the past.  You will need to rethink the time of the first marriage and why it broke up.  You will need to check for similarities in the two to discern patterns in your own life.  You will need to do this in order that you not repeat the pattern in the future.

    Finally, in answer to your real question: is being alone really so bad as to being with a man I hardly know anymore? I know my answer that I discovered for me was "no", being alone is much better than being with someone who I do not know - or who does not know themselves.  been there done that.  And the significant part of that statement is "who does not know themselves."  

    I hope this may have helped.

Grace and peace,

Addiction to Alcohol

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I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 24 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree; serve as a pastor in the Quaker church; and, serve as a hospice chaplain. I have also served as a prison chaplain for one year and currently volunteer as a mentor once a week, working with two inmates one-on-one as they work towards reentry into society as free persons.


I am a recovering alcoholic with 24 years of continuous sobriety.

Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary

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