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Addiction to Alcohol/Mind of Alcoholic in Divorce


Recently divorced after 15 years.  Suspected alcohol/drug use or something 10 years in when his personality changed.  Last year, I faced a major surgery & husband started mediation/divorce & charged escort services on credit card all started because of a fight we had & I refused to speak to him until he apologized.  I forged ahead with divorce but he did a turn around & never apologized but started leaving me love notes and saying he did not want to throw his life away by divorcing.  Was he coached to do this to stop divorce giving him more time to empty bank accounts or did he realize a mistake.  Then 3 months later, he's on the phone telling some other women how in love he is with her.  For 6 months after divorce he continued to harass me (forward my mail, calling my accounts & reporting me deceased)  Can I assume he might have had a small amount of remorse & did not want to divorce--thus the reason for the love notes after he saw I was agreeing to divorce.  Otherwise I have to assume he never loved me and I was duped and loved a man who cannot love another.  My heart is broken.


Hi Debbi,

I cannot presume what he may be thinking but I know that alcoholics
that are unrecovered are very self-centered and often will say or do
whatever they need to in getting what they want.

Before you judge too harshly know that he is a very sick man
and often a person that does insane and cruel things
as a practising alcoholic will be a different person after
some recovery.

The problem is selfishness and emotional immaturity tied
in with anger, frustration and not knowing how to behave
in a mature relationship with another person.

It sounds like he is doing whatever he thinks will benefit himself
at this point. Love is a big word and often for many people
it just means getting what they want and when that stops
they are not good at sharing and giving to others.

Your definition of love may be something you want to have
a look at. Did he love you? That depends on what you have
learned to call love. He likely did the best he is capable of
but that may not be much if he is addicted to alcohol.
Alcohol will be his priority unless he begins to recover.

You were looking for love in a man that needs to learn
how to love before he can really convey that feeling.
Love is very hard for a man with emotional and spiritual

Love can be found in many other places than just one man.
If you cultivate all the possible sources you will
not feel your supply depends on him or any one man.
We men are not the source of love and will often fall
short in providing the wholeness you feel you lack.

The same applies to women, a woman cannot provide the
love, security and wholeness a man needs. We have to
have these things strong inside ourselves so we
can give to another person.

Love is about sharing the love and wholeness we
have cultivated inside ourself. It is not about what
we can get from someone.

If he just wants to get something from you then
he is not sharing love and never has.

Time to let go of the past and let go of the hurt
you feel in mistaking him for your source.
No man will ever be all the love you want, that
is a higher calling then man can lay claim too.

Take care,

Addiction to Alcohol

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All questions are important, I have over 30 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues. Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.


Over 30 years of recovery from alcoholism. Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office. Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.

Advanced counsellor certificate, Melbourne ORYGEN Research Centre volunteer consultant

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