Addiction to Alcohol/My husband is a hard core pot user/drinker
Hi there: I have been married to a wonderful man for 19 years. He comes from a family of alcoholics/drug users (his parents). When we met, I was happy to drink and party with him, but over the years, I became 'normal' my celebratory ways, and he didn't. He makes pot butter all the time and drinks this oil pretty much non stop. As a result, he eats rarely and apart from being able to work in our company satisfactorily, spends his free time preparing to make the butter, make the butter, store the butter...it's all about his pot and pot use. In the past 19 years, we have NEVER been in our RV or on a vacation/outing where he isn't stoned or drinks himself into oblivion (Vegas face down on the carpet in a casino burning the rug with his cigarette/facedown on his plate at dinner events/stoned at concerts/stoned when he took the grandkids to do things without me/stoned when I had surgery...stoned when we go for walks...stoned, stoned, or drunk! Mexico, always shit faced. He even left me in another country to go party with a guy. He has left me in Mexico too to go drink with guys. I feel alone when he uses or else really upset because his personality changes and at times he gets really annoyed at me/what I say/do. He stays in his office where he drinks his butter/watches movies and TV, works...and this is most of every day. He says that because I have issues controlling my eating and like to shop excessively, that is my problem. I should learn to accept his addictions. I met him this way. He can't understand what the problem is. The problem is is that he is not emotionally available to me when he's in turnip land. Or, I need to babysit him when we socialize. He tried being sober for a year and he says it was the worst year of his life. If I wanted to leave, he would choose his pot/alcohol over me, he has been clear. With that said, he is my best and closest friend. He is kind and considerate and always has time to talk to me. He has tried to reel back his pot use, but it's getting worse. Now it's daily or almost daily. We sleep different times, we eat different times...although he will watch some TV/movies with me...but he mostly has to be stoned to do that too. I started going to Alanon and am getting help there. But in the back of my mind, I am thinking about leaving once we move out of an isolated area where we now live. But we work together in our own business and have been together for a very long time. I don't want to be with anyone else. But I am not sure not wanting to be around him when he's stoned/drunk is what I want either and it's getting to be too much for me. I am waiting for him to realize he needs to stop, but I don't think it's going to happen. My girlfriend's husband smokes pot daily and she says it doesn't bother her. I wonder why it bothers me so much? I prefer him smoking pot to drinking because drinking makes him violent and he can't walk or stand up and always passes out but not without being a pain first. Am I asking for too much for him to quit? Is my eating and shopping really comparable to what he does? Oh, we are rarely intimate either. He prefers taking care of that on his own. Right now I think we've become friends. I have gotten so angry at him to not be able to look around and realize what is going on with him and our relationship, but I rarely if ever, get through. It's clear he becomes defensive and nasty when I try to point his negative behaviours. I simply get reminded of all the times he has been there to help me out. Alanon is great for me, but the people in my group mostly seem to be okay living with the addict in their life. I am not sure I am okay with it for another 18 years. Living in a secluded area doesn't help. And I sometimes think that I am one of the few that is sober and not addicted to anything. Maybe I'm not the norm? I always seem to be in a situation where I need his friendship or his help or to work with. So sometimes I feel trapped. Can a person really be happy living with an active addict/alcoholic? Do I start to do things by myself (he gets angry when I suggest this and I don't know why. I tell him, you make your choices, so I should be able to choose to not be around you stoned/drunk!) In our RV, he has been sober maybe 2 days. And we have been in it a lot. I feel like I am slowly getting to be unable to do anything because of what he may smoke/drink/do. It's not fun being around him when he's drunk!!! When he smokes pot he's not violent, but he gets irritable before he uses, sometimes during and def the next day recouping in the am. At almost 60 years of age, starting to have health issues, I don't want to be alone as at least I get something from our relationship now, but not much. Thank you!
You are really being pulled apart in two ways I can see.
Part of you likes some of the relationship and the
other part is wanting more or at least wanting to
experience life in a different way.
This results in the trapped feelings. At some point
you will have to make choices and then take action
on those choices, right or wrong.
It rarely works for us to try and change another person
to suit our desires. We can try to talk, rage or otherwise
manipulate but it does not hold.
The key is looking at our own thoughts, feelings and hopes
and then taking care of ourselves regardless of how
others may behave.
If you are tired of living with someone that is not
authentic because of his drug/alcohol use then
you will always feel let down.
What you are saying is you are not happy with things as they
are. You started out probably enjoying his lifestyle
but now you have changed and he has not. This indicates
you have grown apart over time and he may have developed
an addictive illness by medicating his feelings instead
of growing up emotionally.
There is no way to control an addiction without help and
he seems unwilling so far to seek serious treatment.
If you continue to wait and act like things are okay
he will continue on his path without any change.
Often people do not stop using drugs until it affects
there life in a very negative way.
If you have been protecting him from consequences
of his drug/alcohol use in daily life then
you are not helping him. It sounds like you
nurse him through various situations like "Vegas"
and he gets to carry on with his drunken behaviour.
It is time to either accept his sick drug filled life
or start taking care of yourself and honoring how
you feel. If you want to live without seeing the
drug use then you need to be on your own even if
it hurts. If you stay then you have to deal with how
you think and feel, mostly with how you feel about
This is more about you and what you want.
If you don't like something you say no to it.
That is what personal boundaries are. They
are to protect you from being in these
situations which tear you apart. Boundaries
are not about changing or controlling others.
They are about what we will or will not accept
in a relationship. Decide what you will
not accept and then act on that to save
yourself from more pain.
You will feel much better when you act even if
you feel afraid. Action cures fear.