Expert: Rebos - 11/24/2006

Question
alcoholism runs rapid in my family, two of her uncles (my brothers died at 49 and 50 from alcohol abuse. Cirrhosis of the liver. The other deteriorated inch by inch until he died alone in a hotel along with his empty beer bottles. He was indigent and had a paupers grave. I learned this two years later on a web site called alcohol. Her grandfather also was an alcoholic who hid his beer during his dying days.

My daughter is binge drinker, totally and completely drunk within a 30 minute time period. She is aggressive, loud, abusive, destructive and violent. She passes out, pukes all over her self and she still wont stop.She drives when she cant even stand up. When she drinks she does not have fun or enjoy a buzz. She simply goes crazy, smashed her own windshield and pulled off her rear view mirror in a drunken rage.  She has threatened to flush my medicines, and puncture my tires, she calls me at work and I have to leave work to witness her madness and protect my property.  After she drinks she totally blacks out and doesn't remember anything. She doesn't go to work when she drinks. She has no medical insurance. She is playing Russian roulette.

Now she is doing this with her boyfriend, needless to say he is not happy about this. He tells her she has a problem with alcohol and is begging, and threatening her to quit. He believes she will.  I know better alcoholics are always thinking about the next drink and hide alcohol.

The real kicker here is, that today in front of the hung over ass. He tells me this is my fault because I passed on the alcohol abuse genes.  He also, says this is my fault, that I am or was a bad parent in the past, like maybe I didn't spend enough time with her. She is going to end up in jail for assault, or in an emergency room. Jail is very likely.  I have told them both, don't call me I wont come.
I have endured the torture of alcohol abuse for 52 years. I simply cant live the rest of my life like this. The next time she is drunk, she can live in her car or on the street.This isn't something I enjoy, I call it tough love.No doubt it will involve the police, changing locks, a security system and a restraining order.
I am a widow, have health issues and will not spend the rest of my life living in abuse and violence. I prefer not to watch her kill herself or someone else. I have no control over her drinking and I refuse to be part of it.
I HAVE SIMPLY SAID NOTHING TO HER WHEN SHES DRUNK. I SAY NOTHING TO HER ABOUT IT WHEN SHES SOBER. SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE WILL GO ON A RAMPAGE, AND IT WON'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.  I know this from experience

Also, her and her boyfriend are addicted to marijuana, the heavy duty stuff. of course they have no money and never will if they keep smoking, and she keeps drinking. He doesn't believe me when I tell him pot alters his, and her thinking process, but he swears its a safe and recreational drug with no long term effects.

How do I get this guy to realize I am not the cause, or the reason she drinks, and smokes pot.  How do I get him to realize pot causes impairment and he will be broke, with no future ahead of him.

So not only do I have a 21 daughter who is addicted to pot, and alcohol. I have her boyfriend in my face telling me I gave her the problem and I am a lousy parent.

That he could find a thousand web sites to back up his position regarding pot and alcohol, and genetics. He tells me he wont abandon her. That I don't love her if I throw her out. This fellow is going to be disappointed, shes not going to stop. He is going to keep blaming me one way or the other.

What do I say to this guy? He definitely likes to argue and point fingers.  Basically I just shut up, and he feels he won the battle.  Its one thing to win the battle.  But he has a war ahead of him.

Any advise? When I throw her out he will disappear with her, or keep coming to me telling how dire things are.                                                                     
I just need some peace. and it wont happen with her drinking!  

Answer
Good afternoon Sharon:

Thank you for your question.

Not once did you mention the name of Al-Anon in your e-mail! It’s beyond my imagination that with all of the alcoholism that you have endured throughout your life so far, that you have not gone to Al-Anon meetings. That’s where you would have found the help that you needed all these years, and that same help is still available to now. Your e-mail indicates that you are pretty savvy on the subject of being a victim, however, all these years you should have been concentrating, on your head making decisions for you rather that your heart and emotions.

From the description of your actions I would say that you have been an “enabler” all these years, and that you have never held your daughter responsible for her behavior! It seems as though she becomes a “good girl”, but once the “heat is off” her addiction to the drug alcohol sets her off again. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue an alcoholic from their predicament. If you have no special knowledge about alcoholism, and try to help, your daughter can sense your weakness and continue on drinking because she knows that she will be forgiven again and again.

You have to learn and believe that you are totally powerless over your daughter’s drinking, it is not your fault, if she does not have the desire to stop drinking. With that being said…For your well being I would recommend that you go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your daughter’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your daughter should have never be rewarded for her irresponsible actions. She must be held responsible for them.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. FOR THE ALCOHOLIC OR DRUG ADDICT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

There is no reason why you should be concerned about your daughter’s boyfriend. Take out a restraining order against both of them. You should not have live in fear of your personal safety or them destroying you property. You don’t have to debate any subject with her boyfriend as to you being a good mother or whether marijuana is good or bad for a person. You are encouraging him when you engage him. Drug addicts (including alcoholics) will always find an excuse to smoke their next joint or swallow their next pill. They have to rationalize that it’s OK.

There is no easy way out of your dilemma except to FIND THE COURAGE to do what you have to do. Thank you, Rebos