Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 10/10/2005

Question
so yea you said you'd try to help me out...not sure what to do exactly...So i've been with this chick for a little over 2 years on and off the whole way. We broke up the day before school started and it was pretty ugly like I was like we'll never be back together this time. So we had a time period where she was really mean and all, but then we're friends now and it's cool. So she's been drunk those two times and the first time we made out and she was all like I miss you so much and she was also the second time. When she's straight she tells her friends she's fine without me. I've found out that if I don't call her for awhile she always calls or texts me so she doesn't want me away for good. I really want her back and it's not for sex or anything cuz we're both still virgins. Anyways I really don't know what to do. One time when she was straight we went out to a really nice park by a lake here and wrestled and she had me pinned on the ground and was on top of me and giving me what I thought to be signs of wanting a kiss, but I never did it. DO you have any idea what I should do? I realize you're under the alcohol section, but you said you might be able to help out. Thanks!

Answer
Greetings again, Shaun.

Are you at all familiar with Scripture?  Here is an excerpt I have learned to consider:

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Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart gladden you in the days of your youth.  Walk in the ways of your heart, and in the sight of your eyes, but know that through all these things Elohim brings you into right-ruling.  Therefore remove vexation (anger) from your heart, and put away evil from your flesh, for youth and dawn of life are futility. (Ecclesiastes 11:9-10)
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“Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart gladden you ...”

One of the sweetest periods of my life included those days in my youth when the girl of my dreams came into view.  It was easy for me to see she was a treasure, and I was delighted when she showed an interest in me.  I had high hopes for our future together ...

“Walk in the ways of your heart, and in the sight of your eyes ...”

In other words, and just as I did, pursue your dreams ...

“... but know that through all these things Elohim brings you into right-ruling.”

The question we all need to ask is this: What are the *right* ways to pursue our dreams?

“Remove vexation (anger) from your heart, and put away evil from your flesh, for [the ways of our] youth [during the] dawn of life are futility.”

In other words, and with true wisdom yet ahead, pursuing our dreams and hopes in our youthful ways cannot bring the ultimate satisfaction we seek.

You have written ...

>> not sure what to do exactly...

First, learn to look at a picture of (or develop a view of) your life that is far bigger than the immediate, and prepare for a long haul ahead.  It can be very tempting to seek immediate gratification of our personal needs and desires, but we ultimately do far better by pursuing things that have a depth and weight that will truly last.

>> So i've been with this chick for a little over 2 years on and off the whole way.

Stop looking at her and/or treating her as a mere “chick” and begin seeing her as the fine woman, wife and mother she likely has the great potential to be.

>> We broke up the day before school started ...

Do you understand why?  My suspicion would be that this young woman probably (and sanely) wants to “look around” a little to be sure she is considering the very best young man available.  Learn how to be that young man!

>> So we had a time period where she was really mean and all, but then we're friends now and it's cool.

Leave it at that for now.  Learn to be a true friend ... one who only has her very best interest in mind.  Keep your dreams and hopes, but never mind trying to make them happen.  Rather, and as frustrating as this can be, let them come to you.

>> So she's been drunk those two times and the first time we made out and she was all like I miss you so much and she was also the second time. When she's straight she tells her friends she's fine without me.

That idea of “just fine without him” comes from a simple lack of assurance that you might always “be there” for her ... and that is why I suggest preparing for a long haul ahead.  Woman have a wait-and-see patience that can drive us crazy at times, but you will some day be amazed at the result if you learn to respect that and learn to be consistent with unassuming expressions of good character.

>> I've found out that if I don't call her for awhile she always calls or texts me so she doesn't want me away for good.

Just as you are a young man desiring and wondering about a good woman in your future, she is a young woman desiring and wondering about a good man in her own.  For now, just be “available” and always appreciative of her attentions to you.

>> I really want her back and it's not for sex or anything cuz we're both still virgins.

Keep things that way – save your kisses for your wife.  Believe this or not, this young woman wants “only one” in the end and she is watching to see if you will respect and honor her by helping to make that possible.  For example:

>> One time when she was straight we went out to a really nice park by a lake here and wrestled and she had me pinned on the ground and was on top of me and giving me what I thought to be signs of wanting a kiss, but I never did it.

Again: Keep things that way ... and if she ever asks about that, quietly let her know that you are lovingly respecting and honoring her desire for “only one”.  And of course, you are free to let her know you also intend to remain chaste until marriage and completely faithful thereafter.

If you would like to continue these discussions, you can either continue writing through the “experts” site or directly: leejosepho@hotmail.com .

Lee (Joe)