Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/29/2005

Question
I have 5 sons who are all alcoholic, some worse than others but still alcoholic.  My husband, nor myself ever drank, so it's not like they were raised around it.  I just can't for the life of me understand why they just can't stop. They claim they want to stop but can't.  They have all been to aa hundreds of times.  The one that is really bad cannot keep a job more than 6 months is always broke & can't pay his rent etc.  I've been helping him out with his bills but he never learns anything about his money & now he's wanting me to help him more & I just really can't but I'm afraid he'll lose his apt. & all the furniture I helped get him.  He said he would go into recovery if he could but he can't because he doesn't have any insurance to pay for it.  Is there anything a person can do on their own to stop drinking?  He is single & 35 yrs old, no children thank God.  What made you determined to stop?  The other ones work & have good jobs so they think theirs isn't a problem because they never miss work.  What can a mother do?  I have prayed & prayed.  I don't guess I can do anything but thought I'd write to you, someone who has been there and stopped.  Thanks,  Mary

Answer
Greetings to you, Mary.

Your sons and I have much in common ...

>> ... it's not like they were raised around it.

Neither of my parents ever drank, and even in my childhood I had seen the devastation drinking had caused in the lives of others.

>> I just can't for the life of me understand why they just can't stop.

By the time I was 31 (now nearly a quarter of a century ago), my parents were wondering the same thing.

>> They claim they want to stop but can't.

At age 31, I had a desperate desire to stop drinking (and all drugs) altogether, but could not.  I then heard about a man from my past who was now “sober”, and I went to see him ... and he ultimately told me that the reason I could not stop was because I was alcoholic (adjective):

“In the early days of our drinking we occasionally remained sober for a year or more, becoming serious drinkers again later.  Though you may be able to stop for a considerable period, you may yet be a potential alcoholic.  We think few, to whom this book will appeal, can stay dry anything like a year.  Some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions; most of them within a few weeks.
“For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether.  We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop.  Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not.  Many of us felt that we had plenty of character.  There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.  Yet we found it impossible.  This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, page 34).

As you can read just above, the alcoholic is one who has “lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not.”  He cannot live with it, and he cannot live without it.  Concerning alcohol, he is completely powerless.

>> They have all been to aa hundreds of times.

Today's A.A. does not understand the above and cannot help the real alcoholic.

>> ... cannot keep a job more than 6 months is always broke & can't pay his rent etc.  ... never learns anything about his money & now he's wanting me to help him more ...

In my own experience, I call that “failing at life” ... and you might as well stop tossing money into the pit.

>> He said he would go into recovery if he could but he can't because he doesn't have any insurance to pay for it.

Maybe he has been conditioned (by “the system”) into thinking that way, but in fact, the so-called “treatment industry” cannot actually do anything for him.

>> Is there anything a person can do on their own to stop drinking?

Considered literally, virtually no alcoholic can stop drinking “on his own”.  However, and this is what you are meaning to ask: Permanent recovery is free.  The solution is for your son to take the Twelve Steps in a way he has never before known or has likely ever even heard of them ... beginning with an admission of complete defeat (rather than today's A.A.'s “just stay away from the first drink one day at a time” nonsense.

>> What made you determined to stop?

Knowing my young daughters would soon bury a drunken father if I continued on.  However, please do not make the mistake of believing my “determination to stop” ever kept me from drinking for long at all.  Yes, I was *determined* to stop, but I could not ... and one's recovery begins on an admission of that hard and unavoidable fact.

>> I have prayed & prayed.

... and now you are getting some answers!

“Thank you, Father.”

>> I don't guess I can do anything but thought I'd write ...

If you do not already have a copy of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the A.A. “Big Book”, please get one (or I can send one to you), begin reading it and stay in touch.  There is nothing you can do to guarantee that any alcoholic will ever stop drinking for good, but there surely are some things you can do to be sure your sons will at least receive their opportunities to do so ... and ...

“When a few men in this city have found themselves, and have discovered the joy of helping others to face life again, there will be no stopping until everyone in that town has had his opportunity to recover - if he can and will.
“Still you may say: ‘But I will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book.' ...
“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.  Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows.  Clear away the wreckage of your past.  Give freely of what you find and join us.  We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny” (pages 163-4).

You, Mary, have just met at least one of the “us” just mentioned.

Shalom.

Lee