Expert: Rebos - 11/12/2007

Question
I'm 53 years old and in a relationship with a 50 year old man who has been drinking most all of his adult life. He drank scotch for almost 20 years but following a hospital stay for pancreatitus (45 days)and he managed to stay sober another two weeks out of the hospital, he started drinking again but switched to wine. He never drinks during the day but begins drinking between 3 and PM each day. He drinks till he is drunk. He also smokes pot and smokes about 3 packs of cigarettes every day. I did not grow up around alcohol and have never been much of a drinker in my adult life. We have lived together off and on for the past 4 years. I have left him many times because of his drinking. This last time I swore I would never return and avoided him for about 60 days. Once again we are back together with him vowing to never drink again. He went 5 days but the first night I was away from him (spent the night with my daughter) he got drunk. I was prepared to leave but he ask for one more chance. I agreed and now it's been 8 days. He refuses to go to AA meetings because he has tried the meetings and says it's not for him for different reasons. I've offered to pray with him for God to give him strength but he has rejected my offer. I love this man very much but I can't and won't spend my life with someone who is drunk every night. I'm now afraid to go anywhere for fear he will drink and I will be forced to leave him for good. I know he's struggling with the cravings and I feel bad for him but I believe if he avoids drinking for a year, his cravings might go away. He seems to have a hard time during stressful events and ask me just last night if he could buy some wine. I offered prayer and he dropped the subject. He doesn't want me to talk about his drinking at all. He says it makes it harder if I bring it up. What should I do? I feel like I should start packing because he's going to give in to his cravings any day now.

Answer
Good afternoon Paula and thank you for your question.

It is said that God himself will not knock the drink out of a drunk’s hand if the doesn’t want to stop drinking, because he wants to stop… not you or anyone else can get him to stop if he has not made up his mind that he wants to stop. If you don’t already know it your boyfriend has a disease, and it’s called “addiction to alcohol” which makes him an alcoholic, which by the way you never once used that word in your question to me. The American Medical Assoc. says that it is a serious terminal disease. Like all other terminal diseases without any positive steps taken to correct the problem… It is also said that if an alcoholic does not seek help for their problem they usually end up in an early grave, in a prison or a mental institution!

In almost 38 years of dealing with alcoholics and alcoholism I have NEVER seen a man or woman (if they are alcoholic) stop drinking on their willpower alone. Nor have I ever seen an alcoholic “control their drinking” for the long haul. You have to realize that once a person has to think about controlling their drinking…“they have already lost control”.
If your boyfriend is an alcoholic he HAS TO DRINK! He has no choice in the matter! Of course he will lie to you and tell you that he can beat it on his own, but in reality he will be lying to himself. Alcoholism is a disease of denial. It tells your boyfriend that he is OK if “people” would just leave him alone. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of you making the right decision for yourself.

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him. By the way if your boyfriend refuses going to Alcoholics Anonymous and he says that he will stop drinking on his own is not worth anything. If  he does decide to go to AA; he should go to a meeting every day, he should get active as part of a group, he should have a sponsor to talk to, he should be going to twelve step meetings to change his life, and he should be asking for help. If he is in AA and not doing these simple things then he is just conning you.

What ever you do NEVER make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with, because then you will be an enabler! An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather than the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of their unacceptable behavior.

Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking. You see, that even when he was hospitalized for pancreatitis (which can in itself be deadly) HE STILL DIDN”T STOP DRINKING! As I wrote earlier… stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower! There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with an alcohol content of only 0.05%. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

I strongly recommend that you start to go to Alanon meetings. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Alanon) to help you through your situation. When you allow others to help it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over. Alcoholism is a disease of denial and your boyfriend is in denial about what alcohol is doing to him. If you intend to take the risk of wasting your life on this guy… then you should be going to Alanon. I assume that you know what Alanon is. Alcoholism is a “family” disease and it the affects significant others of an alcoholic from the effects of his drinking. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Alanon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Alanon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control.

I probably have raised more questions in your mind than I have answered. If I can be of further help please write me again. Thank you, Rebos