Expert: Rebos - 3/13/2006

Question
Hi!
I read your response to a grandmother question from 6/1/05 and found the content very interesting.  Although my problem is similar, there are variables that make the solution a little more difficult.  Here is the situation:
I have a 90 year old grandmother that is currently living with my mother because she has been kicked out of every assisted living home they've tried to put her in.  She is an alcoholic and has been ever since my grandfather died.  We believe the alcohol has caused several other mental problems including dementia.  They say she may also have tendancies toward Althsheimer's (sp?).  Otherwise, she is in good health and takes no medications.  My mother is very active in Alnon and after reading your previous response, I understand that it would help me as well.  But, I just wonder what we can do for her.  She desperately wants to die.  She talks constantly about not being around for much longer and in her drunken states cries out for God to take her.  How on earth can you intervene with someone in this state at this age and convince them that they can live a full life when #1 they don't want to and #2 they may die of old age soon anyway?  She is SO abusive to everyone around her when she is drinking.  She has had many so-called accidents that have landed her in the hospital and she stays there until she goes thru detox, but then it's right back to drinking.  Many ask how she gets the alcohol.  She insists on going to the store and buys wine herself or gets my other siblings to sneak it to her.  If she ever goes anywhere with any of the family, she finds a way to get a drink.  Apparently there are state laws in Texas about mentally committing someone so that has become a difficult option.  Any advice?  

Answer
Good morning Kim:

Thank you for your question…

It's a real tough one to answer definitively without some give and take conversation about your personal situation.

Your siblings are certainly not helping matters, are they? They might as well be buying your grandmother poison. If I were you or your mother I would tell them in no uncertain words that they can no longer visit her.

I do know one thing for sure that AlAnon will help you if only to be able help your mother to do the right thing when the time is right. She needs some moral support to make the hard decisions that she will be faced with before too long.

Sorry that I can't be of much help with your situation. Thank you Rebos