Expert: Clyde - 7/24/2007

Question
Clyde, I read your response to a question posted on the 22nd and hope you can help me.  I had a childhood sweetheart and we dated for 12 years.  We split up due to the fact that I was sold out to Jesus and he wanted to continue in his way with alcohol and drugs.  14 years later he calls says he's getting a divorce and has been sober for 8 years.  My heart skipped a beat!  I had always loved him and thought "this is it!"  The way it came together was really something.  He asked me to move in with him in 2006, against my better judgement I did. I noticed that he would not romance me, hold my hand, etc.  I noticed that he would not talk about us or a future.  Doing that was like pulling teeth.  I became very attached to his kids and mothered them.  I noticed that he started to smell like booze.  I would confront him and it would just start all kinds of problems.  He was drinking!  At first he would drink in front of me then he started sneaking around to drink.  I started getting insecure and pestering him.  Asking him questions constantly, crying a lot, feeling really alone.  He told me that if I didn't stop bothering him that our relationship would be over and it would be my fault.  All kinds of things happened to kill this thing.  He started looking for relationships on the internet, had another email him regarding sex, and then began a flirtation with a client because he wasn't happy with me.  When I found out about this I left him.  He was so glad I left.  He practically helped me out the door.  He denies drinking, he hides it from the boys and from anyone who wants to know.  I've not heard from him since.  My parents are going to be driving up to get my things this week.  I feel so rejected and betrayed.  DID I DO THE RIGHT THING BY LEAVING?  HOW CAN SOMEONE THAT I'VE KNOWN FOR 30 YEARS, WHO KNOWS MY BACKGROUND LURE ME IN LIKE THIS AND THEN NOT DO WHAT HE COMMITTED TO DO?  IS THIS THE NORM FOR ALCOHOLICS?  I've not heard from him, he now has a new girlfriend (in one day she was in the house) and my dream of living a sweet life with him is over.  I don't sleep well, have bad dreams, cry a lot.  I know I began to be controlling but I was in such a bad state.  HOW SHOULD I LOOK AT THIS, TO BEGIN TO HEAL?  

Answer
Shelly,
  Thank you for your question and for sharing the details with me regarding the situation with this fellow.  First and foremost, let me say emphatically that your DID do the right thing by leaving.  Rest assured that you would not have been able to do anything for him.
  You asked a very good question as to the normalcy of these actions by alcoholics.  Unfortunately, it is normal for a practicing alcoholic.  Alcoholism is a disease of the mind and body and it ravages the lives of those it affects.  At its core is self-centeredness.  This is what you are seeing played out before your very eyes.  Nothing more than a "self-will run riot", as we say in Alcoholics Anonymous.
  Your fiance evidently did not use AA during his 8 years of sobriety or was not sold on the idea that he had a disease for which the only known cure is abstinence from alcohol.  The AA program is a way for people who have been addicted to recognize their faults, defects of character we call them, and to grow up into the people we were meant to be.  Alcohol robs us of our minds and sets up incredible delusions which are only removed by a constant vigilance at looking deeply within ourselves to uncover those things that are not virtuous.
  He looks for whatever meets HIS needs regardless of any one else, you or the children.  His internet chats and relationships, his new girlfriend, his lack of response to you, his drinking and drugging, and his failure to acknowledge how his behavior has hurt you are all indications that he is in full relapse with his addictive behaviors.
   I hope that tells you some things about what is probably in his head.   That being said, what can you do for him?  Nothing as long as he is in the addictive state.  He will have to "hit his bottom" as we say in AA and decide that he really wants to change.
   You are doing the right thing by grieving this loss through talking with someone.  We all want and need to be heard when we are grieving.  Although others can not do anything to relieve it, having it acknowledged by some caring people is important.
   You will heal from the hurt but it will take time. Your being a Christian, I am sure that you look to your faith in Christ to make all things new and this episode will end.
   Let me leave you with a suggestion.  In your prayers with God, ask that you might learn what it is that limits you, yourself, in being the very best possible relationship for someone in the future.  That is the redemption in the hurt you have experienced - allowing God to infuse us with the willingness to always be vigilant in being our best. And that means asking ourselves on a daily basis for God's will for our lives and the power to carry it out.
  Hope this helps and you will be in my prayers.
Grace and Peace,