Expert: Rebos - 10/28/2006

Question
I have a  husband who works hard everyday and provides a nice home for us. He drinks everynight during the week and starts by noon everyday during the weekend, buy dinner he's sloppy drunk. He does not hit me or the children but sometimes i am scared he may try.  He yells and curses us everyday 24/7. I am scared this is going to effect my children and it is turming me into a wreck. He never remembers the next day what happened the night before.When he starts his drunk ramblings its about how great he is or how he provides for us and we are lucky to have him around us.i can't stand to hear it!My children  never have friends over, we are ashamed of how he acts.it's gotten to the point where i go everywhere alone with the kids and I can read the expressions on other's faces " He must be drunk again). I'M SICK OF LIVING WITH A DRUNK!!!!!! I'm sorry if i'm pouring out my soul to you but i have no one else to talk to all our family looks away and will not face fact and our friends do the same. I ask him everyday to stop or get help and he replies i don't have a problem there's nothing wrong with a few beers. I feel lost, alone and helpless.
                                  Shannon

Answer
Good afternoon Shannon:

Thank you for your question.

By your description is appears as though your husband is a classic alcoholic. Not only because he drinks to the point where he gets nasty, but also that he is denying that he has a drinking problem. If he is yelling and cursing after he has a few drinks; that is known as a Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde Syndrome. However, if he is sober and still acts out then a good anger therapist is what he may needs! For this answer I will assume that his cursing is only after he drinks too much. For an alcoholic one drink is too much!

There a number of choices that you have: 1. That you are fed up enough, no longer love him, and want a divorce. In this instance get your self a good divorce attorney and file for divorce. 2. You are willing to separate until he gets help for his drinking problem. In this instance go to your local police department and get a restraining order so that he can no longer enter your home or see the children because of his verbal abuse, and that you are in fear of any potential physical abuse. If this is your choice you should not allow him back into the home until he is sober in a program like Alcoholics Anonymous for at least one year. This choice will send him a message that may help to raise his bottom. NEVER MAKE ANY THREATS TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THRU ON! You do (I hope) realize that he will have to hit his bottom before he does anything about stopping drinking. 3. You could have an intervention with friends and family in attendance. If this is your choice please be sure to engage a professional Therapist who has had lots of experience with interventions for alcoholism. 4. If none of the above fit your circumstances you could start to attend Al-Anon meetings and your children could attend Al-Ateen. If you don’t know what these meetings are about please let me know in a follow up question. 4. If you don’t want to break up the marriage and he will enter a detoxification clinic…then goes to AA, while you and the children go to Al-Anon and Al-Ateen… that is another option. 5. Lastly, you can do nothing and be miserable for the rest of your life, hate him more and more with each passing day, and end up having disturbed, confused and potentially addictive children.  Alcoholism never gets better on its own it always gets worse. If your choice is to do nothing you and the children haven’t seen anything yet. Alcoholics have victims and take hostages. They become too self-centered to have wives, children, lovers, partners or any normal relationships. The alcohol and their addiction won’t let them.

I know that I haven’t solved any of your problems, but I have tried to list some of the options that you have. There may be more options depending on your circumstances, but I don’t know you well enough to go any further. I wish you the very best and if you chose feel free to contact me again. Thank you, Rebos