Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 10/7/2007

Question
Hi-

I am a freshman in college. I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost a year now. We go to different schools now, so I only see her about every other weekend. My issue is that she has started to go to a lot of parties, and has been drinking. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and have many painful memories associated with alcohol. It tears me up to think that she is doing this. I realize it is a part of college life for many, but I struggle to suppress my hatred of the substance. I have asked her to stop, and she said she would (before we left for school), but now she says that it is what most people she knows do, and so it is  hard not to when it is around. She even put pictures of these parties onto Facebook, which she knows I will see. It pains me because I feel this is yet another time someone has put alcohol in front of me. Even after they promised to stop. I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable. Or what I could do. I don't see the signs of addiction in her that I do in my dad, its just the memories it invokes, and the promise broken.

Answer
Hi Mitch,
The first thing to recognize is that your reactions and feelings are normal for an individual who has grown up in a traumatic environment. As you may know, persons like you who are survivors of alcoholism in a parent are called adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs). The trauma of parental alcoholism has been likened to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) suffered by persons exposed to combat in war. So, the very first act for you is to affirm your feeling and reactions as normal for you.

I have helped ACOAs for 18 years at the college where I work. The focus for the ACOA is mostly on trying to reduce the negative effects of growing up with alcoholism ON THEM. Usually, the issue is how they react to others rather than the other person's behavior. The common rule we apply is this: "the only person I can change is me."

Have you discused with your girlfriend your experiences growing up with your father's drinking and how difficult it is for you when someone you care about drinks? Your girlfriend's behavior, as you suggest, is pretty typical of first year college students. If she does not have an alcohol problem, the only suggestion I have for you to take up with her is this: perhaps she could be a little more sensitive to your ACOA situation and not put her drinking behavior so much "in your face" as she seems to have done. It is probably not fair to ask her not to drink at all.

So, the basic point, other than attempting to help your girlfiend to be more sensistive to your feelings (long distance relationships are very difficult, especially for first year college students), is for you to begin to learn how to heal from your ACOA trauma and reduce the ongoing effects of this trauma on you and your intimate relationships. There is a lot of excellent information about ACOAs here: http://www.adultchildren.org/ Also see my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html Good luck.