Expert: Rebos - 4/5/2006

Question
I believe my husband is a Alcohol Abuser turned addict.  He is 48 years old and has high blood pressure (150/110)  and high chloresteral (230).  

We have been married for 15 years. In the beginning, he only drank 4 to 8 ounces of wine daily. His Sister died 6 years ago (2000), and he gradually increased his intake.  I believe her death brought up memories of a bad childhood and he became angry.  --He currently drinks 3 liters a day between the hours of 3pm and 7pm. (Yes...3 liters)

I took a class about alcoholism three years ago because I knew absoloutley nothing about the disease.  I grew up in an alcohol free family.  His family is the total opposite.

My question is this:  His doctor has him on Lotrel 10/20 MG daily  for high blood pressure and Lipitor 10 MG for chlorestoral.  Isn't mixing these medications and drinking this much wine every night dangerous?  

I secretly wrote my husband's doctor and told him how much he drank before he went for a yearly check up.  The doctor spoke to him about this and offered to give him some type of medication to take while he quit drinking...however, my husband doesn't want to stop drinking...

Also I don't consider myself an enabler....I confront him but at very wise opportune times. We have two children and although I have thought about leaving many times, I don't feel it is the right thing to do.  I just want him to get help.  

However, I don't think he will seek professional help or even admit he has a problem unless something tragic happens.  He refuses to believe mixing these medications are dangerous (because he has gotten away with it up until this day). I know the wine betrays him.

Please note other things I have noticed: He is also past the "split Personality" stage. (This is why I took the class...I knew something was going on)....I have learned the difference between his two personalities.

Secondly:  I've noticed convulsions in the middle of the night.  He will shake for about 5 minutes (enough to wake me up) then he will get up and go to the bathroom and seem to be alright.  I spoke to him about this but it didn't seem to bother him.  He also has a breath odor which I read could be related to Kidney problems...It's like a citrus smell...

Besides keeping the insurance policy paid up and a plan of action upon tragedy, I don't know what else to do.  I'm hoping by showing him my letter and your response might trigger him to seek help or even make him realize he has a problem.  ....Any advice would be deeply appreciated.  

Answer
Good afternoon ACJ:

Thank you for your question. I will try to give you some information that will at least start you off in the right direction.

Let me first say “If drinking causes problems then… IT IS A PROBLEM!” The fact that you are that concerned about your husband's drinking makes it a problem with your marriage.

As you already know, by your class on alcoholism, it is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become an “enabler”. Never-the-less, you may need some reminding to determine if in your own way you are still enabling your husband's alcoholism. Are you the kind of person who is enabling your husband by allowing him to continue drinking and not holding him responsible for all of his un-acceptable behavior? Unacceptable behavior can be defined as anything that one partner in a marriage or relationship finds as unacceptable for the marriage to continue in the direction that it is headed. If an enabler has no special knowledge or training in the field of alcoholism and they try to help, an alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued time and time again… and again. In a backhanded way you would be giving your husband “permission” to drink by your continued acceptance of his unacceptable behavior (his continued drinking). What ever you decide to do it should be based upon your head talking and not your heart. Don't let your actions appear to be allowing him to continue drinking. If you continue on the road that you are on you haven't seen anything yet.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. What ever you do never make any threats to your husband UNLESS you are certain that you will follow thru with your threat.

I am not a doctor and cannot give you any diagnosis, but his doctor giving him a pill is not the solution to resolving your husband's drinking problem. I can't understand why you are concerned about him drinking while taking his high blood pressure and cholesterol medication. His meds are most likely not working to their full advantage. That's the tail wagging the dog! HIS PROBLEM… IS HIS DRINKING! Also,  not writing as a doctor, with regard to your husband's “convulsions”, maybe they subside because when he goes into the bathroom after 5 minutes he straightens out because he takes a drink in the bathroom and the “shakes” go away.  It's my personal opinion that he should be made to attend AA meetings to find out what his real problem is, and believe me, it's not his sister's death. That's just the excuse that he is using, or the one you are accepting as an excuse for his drinking. There's no shame being an alcoholic…the shame is in doing nothing about it!

I would strongly recommend that YOU start to attend Alanon meetings. If you go to Alanon you will find that your problem is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you would learn how to live with having an alcoholic in your life, and learn the truth about the disease of alcoholism. Alanon is intended to help YOU and not the Alcoholic directly. In order for you to be able to help him you must first learn to help yourself. At Alanon you would meet people who have an alcoholic in their lives too, and that their own lives had become unmanageable as a result of it. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your husband's drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your and your children's lives by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, knowledge and implications of the disease, your efforts to help him will not work. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. If you do not have Alanon's local number call the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

It is generally believed, by many in the field of alcoholism, that it is a Three fold disease: Mental, Physical, and Spiritual. The “mental” part of the illness is the mental obsession to drink that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that an alcoholic must drink. The “physical” aspect of the disease is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) but, is in the loss of an alcoholic's values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety". It isn't very long before an alcoholic has to drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, smoking pot or taking other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near beer” with .05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor's prescription as long as the doctor understands that he is dealing with an addicted person.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Don't let him take you and your children there with him. Being the spouse or child of an active alcoholic can be devastating to all concerned. As far as your husband Cutting down or changing his drinking habits forget it…it does not work! Never has and never will. Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him and the family problems there is little you can do for him. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening, begging and even putting him away against his will, will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does not want to stop, he can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An active alcoholic's choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. He needs some distance between him and his last drink. If he does nothing about stopping then he is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law (if he hasn't already) or end up in a mental institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. False pride and fear has a lot to do with him not wanting to do anything about his drinking problem.

Below you will find 12 questions that can be used to determine whether your husband is having a problem or not. They must be answered truthfully in order for them to be meaningful. The questions are normally directed to the drinker, but if you think you know what your husband's drinking pattern is you may find them interesting. But remember, your husband is the only one who can make the decision as to him being an alcoholic or not, enough to want to do anything about it.

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

IF YOU ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then you are probably in trouble with alcohol.

The following is what the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an alcoholic. Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help.

I wish you the very best and I hope that I have not taken too much liberty with you in the way I have responded to your question. Alcoholism is deadly and it and not a matter to be taken lightly. Sometimes the truth is hardest of all to face up to. You can be sure of one thing “The Good Fairy”, his doctor, or a counselor is not going to tap him on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It's going to take a lot of hard work and dedication on his part to want to change his life. BUT, it's done one day at a time.

If I can be of further help please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts.. I would welcome hearing on how things work out for you. Thank you, Rebos.