Expert: Rebos - 9/21/2006

Question
My huband has always off-and-on been a drinker but ever since his injury in Septembet of 05 he has gotten to the worst point ever. He now takes perscription medicaiton and he also drinks. I do not think there is a day that goes by with him that he dosent drink. I want to stand by my husband, but he makes it nearly imposible. I feel imbarsesd. I go to church and i sit in a pew all alone and my fellow members ask me where my husband is and i say he couldnt make it. I feel bad because in a sense i am lying. How do you think i should deal with this situation? I am desperatley seeking help for it might be our last chance. I will greatley appreciate any sugestions you might have

Sincerely,
Lisa

Answer
Good morning Lisa:

Thank you for your question. First; I will summarize my answer to you, and then I will give you some details further on in this e-mail. I would recommend that you attend Al-Anon meetings.  If you do not have your local Al-Anon number call toll-free: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Concerning your specific question about your husband’s church attendance, I recommend that you STOP LYING for him and tell your friends the truth up to the point that it becomes none of their business. The truth is THAT HE JUST NO LONGER GOES TO CHURCH! Beyond that you don’t have to explain the reason why. I hope that you are not one of those people that considers addiction a moral issue, but it still is no ones business unless you feel a need to tell someone. If you have to tell someone, tell your Priest or Minister.

You have to learn and believe that you are totally powerless over your husband’s drinking and drugging. With that being said…If you intend to stay married to an addicted husband for your well being I would recommend that you go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking and drugging but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. At Al-Anon you will find out what you can do to help him… by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with proper information and knowledge of the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism and drug addiction is terminal and deadly. It destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible and accountable for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. You can be sure that if he does nothing about his drinking and drugging that your life will get worse as time goes by. The problem becomes compounded if you have any children, because of what negative effect it has on them.

It is generally believed (by those in the field) that addiction is a three-fold disease… mental, physical and spiritual. The “mental part” of the disease deals with the thought that precedes the first drink or drug...a pre-occupation with thinking about his next fix or drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink or drug is taken a physical compulsion takes over and the addict must continue on until some outside incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as his addiction continues. Stopping drinking and drugging, for an addict, is not a matter of willpower. Addiction is a disease. Drinking and drugging is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for your husband to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, he is destined to continue on until his health deteriorates beyond being able to be fixed; he dies an early death, gets involved with the law, or becomes unemployable.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism and addiction is considered to be a disease. Drinking alcoholically or taking drugs is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an addict to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink or a drug is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic/drug addict has to drink/drug again. FOR THE ALCOHOLIC THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he/she is dealing with an addicted person. I assume that you have spoken to his doctor that prescribes his medication that he has become addicted to pills and alcohol!

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking and drugging, doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to AA or NA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life.  Addiction never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking and drugging, BUT whatever you do, don’t make any threats to him that you are not willing to follow through on.

It is said that addiction is a disease of denial, and it is apparent that your husband is in denial about what it is doing to him and his family. Addiction is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an addict always an alcoholic! So to speak…“once you make a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” I’m sure that you have heard that saying before. It has been my experience to have never seen an addict recover on their own willpower for the long haul. No one can scare an addict into stopping. All the threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop … he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. Unless your husband enters an in-patient detoxification clinic, then enters a program like AA or NA he is destined to die an addict's death, get involved negatively with the law, or end up in a mental institution.

Since your husband is both an alcoholic and a drug addict he would be welcome at AA meetings. I strongly recommend them for him.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. If I can be of further assistance please contact me again. I would be interested in the progress that you make. Thank you Rebos