Expert: Rebos - 6/8/2006

Question
Rebos,

No you did not take too much liberty.  I asked you for advise and I got it.  Thank you!!!  I think for now I am going to take a short break from him and make contact with someone from al-anon.  You made excellent points and I appreciate all of them and I take everything you said very seriously.  Contact with him at this point is not healthy for me because I have so much anger and resentments that it turns me into someone I do not like(yelling at him).  I'm going to take it one day at a time and see what God has in store for me.  Again,  Thank you so very much for your response.  

With warmest regards,
Jacqueline


Followup To

Question -
Hi Rebos.

I have been with a man for two years who has been struggling with his addiction even before he met me.  He has been in denial about it, he has come to terms with it and has gone to aa then he gets back to the old bahaviors.  he says he is not an alcoholic, he says that he hatess being labeled and doesnt want to be told he cant have a drink if he goes on vacation. When he drinks he is nothing but mean, arrogant, verbally abusive, disrespectful.  How do I deal with this?  I am tired of trying to make him see what this has done to his life and to his family.  I am tired of worrying about where hs is or who he is with when he is drunk.  I am tired of the accusations that come out of his mouth.  I went to an al anon meeting however I felt very out of place.  I have changed alot of things in my life, I lost my friends because they dont like him and he says he doesnt like them.  They dont like his drinking.  My life is very much like a roller coaster and I even though he goes through short periods of sobriety and things get better, I wait for the bomb to drop because that is his pattern.  The bomb dropped yesterday, he got drunk, went to a bar and only God knows what he did.  He drives drunk and I worry for his safety as well as others.  Who do I go to, what do I do, what do I say?  How do I control the anger I feel towards him for his bad behaviors.  I am tired of yelling, I am tired of talking till I am blue in the face. I do not want to leave him, but I am getting to the point where I know I just dont deserve it and there are not strong enough consequences for his actions. he gets drunk and losing all sight of consequence and losing all sense to reality. Yeah he feels bad after, he swears he wont do it again, but sooner or later, his pattern is back into action.  I am desperate.  I love this man very much and he is a good man with a good heart.When he is sober, he is awesome and someone I know I could spend the rest of my life with.  The alcohol makes him do bad things.  IS this in his blood, will he ever change?  He is 43 years old, divorced twice, three kids... Any advice is much appreciated.

Answer -
Good afternoon Jacqueline:  

Answer
Good morning Jacqueline:

Thank you for your follow-up comments. It’s personally rewarding to find that you have an open mind to listen to alternative suggestions that can possibly change the rest of your life. Thank you for taking the time to let me know what direction that you intend to pursue.

Since you brought up the subject of God, I will share some of my thoughts on emotions and their relationship to a Higher Power. I normally try and steer clear of the subject of God in my responses to those that I don’t know.

It is always important for you to remember that emotional pain experienced from any loss of importance is usually manifested with an emotional response. Emotions being what they are cloud our ability to think rationally, and cause us to see our situation in a distorted way. When we can accept that our emotions are in control and that they are causing the pain, it can unlock the mystery of what is happening to us, and what we can do to alleviate the suffering. We can’t allow our emotions to control the situation beyond what is normal, nor should we allow our present pain to become a permanent part of our lives, for example remorse, shame or guilt. When we turn away from God because we blame Him for our pain we turn our backs on the answer to relieving our pain. Our pain is often a symptom of something else that is wrong with us, and “that something else" is usually based upon our lack of spirituality and faith. The level of our emotional pain can be directly related to our materialism. The more materialistic that we are, the deeper our pain will be. The more spiritual we are, the less our pain is. It is important for us to examine our pain with a trusted friend or family member. It should not and cannot be done alone very easily. Our emotions are in charge. It is natural for us to want to retreat into ourselves, but we must allow those we care about to help us through it. When you allow others to help it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of our strength. Pain is an opportunity for personal growth and development. It can be a time of taking personal inventory to make changes in our lives for the good, or to see how we can redirect our energy to spiritual living. We must use this time for serious examination of our relationship with God. The stronger our faith in God the more we can trust that our pain is for the greater good, and that our understanding of the greater good is presently beyond our comprehension. Having faith in God allows us to accept our pain for what it can do for us in a positive way. It should not be wasted on self-recrimination and self-centeredness. Yes… emotional pain can be a very lonely experience.

Once again, thank you for your response. Rebos