Expert: Clyde - 11/8/2007

Question
I am an alcoholic sober since December 2006.  I sobered for my now 3 1/2 year old son.  Not to mention I saw what it was doing to my boyfriend.  I have supported him for 1 1/2 years.  He went into a 28 day rehab and the day he got out he drank.  He will not tell me when he needs help or when he feels like going to the liquor store.  Sometimes I don't even know when he is drinking.  This past weekend was the worst he was moody, he was short and very mean.  We have been through the whole "when he drinks he can't stay at my house" scene dozens of times.  On Sunday I came home to find him passed out on my couch.  Next to him was a bottle of "water" which turned out to be straight vodka.  Needless to say he is out.  I'm hoping this is for good.  I've always broke down.  He lies so well to me, but yet says he loves me so much and I'm his best friend.  I guess my question is that he seems that he just doesn't really care.  I haven't spoken to him since he left Sunday and he left a voice mail "sorry, but I have issues".  Does he care?  Is he past caring?  When he went to rehab in July he was late stages alcoholism.  Is this a test from the self-centered alcoholic?  I'm not going to call or text, but I guess I was just wondering what's going through his mind.  Does he have resentment toward me for being sober? For trying to make him quit?  Was that why he was so mean this past weekend?  We were even fighting in the movie theater this weekend.  IN the movie theater.  What's that?

Answer
Irene,
         Thank you for your question and for some explanation of the situation you face.  Congratulations on sobering up this past December!  That is marvelous.  But I guess it really stumps you as to why your boyfriend can't get it as you did.
 
         There can be all sorts of reasons for why he seems to get drunk at the most inappropriate times - right after treatment! and these other bouts of drunkenness.


        Obviously, he is not ready to give up his best friend - alcohol,  That is the bottom line in this case.  He is still thinking it will help him deal with his "issues."  We both know that alcohol allows one to escape the issues so that we don't have to deal with them.

       Until he is willing to stop drinking for himself and make an honest effort at this sobriety thing it matters not what he is thinking in regards to his relationship with you or anyone else.  Best to prepare yourself for the tough work of turning him out and getting on with your life.  You need not risk coming home sometime to a drunk passed out and God knows what may have gone on - mistreatment of your little one, the house set on fire from a cigarette or candle or pot on the stove he forgot he had turned on.

       You can do this fellow more good by forcing him to straighten up on his own.  He is doing this to himself and he needs to take responsibility for himself.

      Although you may really care for him and it may be very hard to let him go and grieve the loss, it must be seriously considered.  Who knows what this decision will mean for him and his future and for yours.  You are not responsible for him.

      I hope this helps and although it is hard to hear, your story indicates he is not willing to do this while at your home.

  Keep in touch,
  Grace and Peace,
  Clyde