Expert: Rebos - 12/8/2006

Question
I think my marriage is in trouble. I believe my husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for 10 years. We have three children ages 7,6 and 4. His situation is complicated due to the fact that he was diagnosed with OCD about 9 years ago. He is on 3 different SSR meds for his disorder.
We began our relationship drinking toegther and having lots of fun. We married and our marriage never really started off right. He was still very interested in his things and his friends and it did not seem we were truly together. Time moved on and we had kids. We both drank although he much more then I. We enjoyed red wine together too often. That was really the one thing we did together. I began noticing problems when he was cutting our lawn and drinking a coke can filled with wine. That was about 5 years ago. And he used to hide wine in the shed. He often did not want to eat dinner until 10:00 or 11:00 at night because he was drinking. Many times he would not eat the  dinner I prepared but cook pizza and fries in the oven. At times he would pass with the oven on 400 degrees. I would awake at 3am by the smell of the burned food. This has happened at least 15 time over the past 2 years. He drinks alone and I believe while driving home from work. He will mix red and white wines so I think he is not consuming as much of his red bottle. He pretty much was drinking daily for a few years at least. Things came to a head about 3mths ago. He drove my kids to a school function drunk. He had to meet me there because I was helping. My 4 year old had no shoes on her feet and looked messy. When I got home he was asleep on the couch and I examined his truck. I found wine in a gatorade bottle (not hte first time). He promised to stop after that. We started to see a marriage counsler (for the second time). He promised her that he would go 8 weeks withour alcohol. Then I caught him several times hiding bottles of wine. He says he can control his use of alcohol. He admits to abusing alcohol but does NOT have a problem. Recently his moods are very strange. He is very very very angry. He seems to hate me.
A few nights ago, he came home very depressed - said I have ruined his life - he hopes I am happy now. Then about an hour later he was very angry towards me. Gave me mean looks. He sat on the couch with my boys (7 & 6) and was suddenly giving me the finger for about 15 minutes. Just sitting there mean looks and the finger. Any advice? I did attend one alonon meeting which was helpful & I know I should continue. I have read some books & I still continue to go to my marriage counsler for myself. I have stopped the arguing because I know I cannot control him. I am thinking about a plan to leave him. I am scared and do not work at the moment. Help!
Thanks-Rose


Answer
Good afternoon Rose, and thank you for your question.

In answer to your question; As you know “depression” and OCD often occurs in adults with the affliction. Self medicating ones self (including alcohol abuse) is also common with those who have OCD. It somehow separates them from themselves and their OCD.

I am not a specialist in the field of OSD, but I can give you some insight from the alcoholic point of view. Since your husband may be depressed from the effects of his OCD and remembering that ALCOHOL IS ALSO A DEPRESSANT your husband is compounding his problem of being depressed by a large factor when he drinks alcohol. You should not allow your husband to mentally abuse you. You should have him arrested and removed from your home, with a restraining order. There is no telling what he might do to you and the children when he is drunk. Speaking of the children…the longer that they are exposed to a drunken father the better the chances are that they will follow in their father’s footsteps.

There a number of choices that you have: 1. That you are fed up living with him, no longer love him, and want a divorce. In this instance get your self a good divorce attorney and file for divorce. Not withstanding that you have no income you have a choice to make concerning your children's safety and your well being against living indefinitely with a drunk that is denying his alcoholism. 2. You are willing to separate from him until he gets help for his drinking problem. In this instance go to your local police department and get a restraining order so that he can no longer enter your home or see the children because of his verbal abuse. If this is your choice you should not allow him back into the home (unless court ordered) until he is sober in a program like Alcoholics Anonymous for at least one year. This choice will send him a message that may help to raise his bottom. NEVER MAKE ANY THREATS TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THRU ON! You do (I hope) realize that he will have to hit his bottom before he does anything about stopping drinking. There are those poor unfortunates whose bottom is as low as a human can go…plus six feet! 3. You could have an intervention with friends and family in attendance. If this is your choice please be sure to engage a professional therapist who has had lots of experience with interventions for alcoholism. 4. If none of the above fit your circumstances you could start to attend Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis. Read all the books that you want to, but Al-Anon is where you will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are in the same situation that you are in now and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Al-Anon regularly, and work on your self…you will get better. That’s not to say that your husband will get better because you go to Al-Anon, but you will learn how to detach from his illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Al-Anon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to you problem. 5. If you don’t want to break up the marriage and he will enter a detoxification clinic, and a halfway house…then goes to AA, while you continue to go to Al-Anon is another option. 6. Lastly, you can do nothing and be miserable and battered for the rest of your life, hate him more and more with each passing day, and end up having disturbed, confused and potentially addictive children.  Alcoholism never gets better on its own it always gets worse. If your choice is to do nothing you and the children haven’t seen anything yet. Alcoholism never gets better on its own...it always gets worse. Alcoholics have victims and take hostages. They are too self-centered to have wives, children, lovers, partners or any normal relationships. The alcohol and their addiction won’t let them!

I know that I haven’t solved any of your problems, but I have tried to list some of the options that you have. There may be more options depending on your circumstances, but I don’t know your situation well enough to go any further. If your husband says that he will stop drinking on his own and not go to AA (regularly) don't believe him. His track record is proof that he can't stop drinking on his own. If he talks about controlling his drinking just remember that if he has to think about controlling his drinking...he has already lost control!

I wish you the very best and if you chose feel free to contact me again. Thank you, Rebos