Expert: Rebos - 1/1/2007

Question
Hi...I'm 36 and I would say I've noticed my mom's had a drinking problem for 15 years.  She is a high functioning alcoholic.  I've been to a few al-anon meetings.  I seem to have more concrete questions that I'd like some feedback on now rather than focusing on getting help for myself through al-anon (maybe the best thing for ACoA, but, honestly, I think it's skirting the issue by focusing solely on me)  I'd like some thoughts on approaching my mom (who has told my father before that she's going to stop or slow down drinking, has never said anything to me or sister)  with some boundaries or, at least acknowledging the elephant in the corner.  An example:  She calls when she's been drinking to have the same conversation she had with me the day before, about coming to see them for New Year's Day, menu, etc.  

I'd like to ask her to not call me when she's been drinking - this would not be calling her an alcoholic, not involving emotion, etc.  This would be a good start.  (Makes me angry and totally not respect her and I feel like I treat her like crap on the phone and then hate that I can get away with it because she's drunk)

It's so Jeckell and Mr Hyde - a person, your mom whom at times you depend on, run to, etc, can be a drunken fool.  I can't go on not acknowledging her behavior- that's the issue.  Every family event is so predictable.

Thank you for ideas and possible scenerios on how to set some boundries, acknowledge the issue in a matter of fact way.

Thanks

Answer
Good morning, Amy... thank you for your question and a Happy New Year to and your family.

I am sorry that I have to disagree with your reasoning as to why you should stop going to Al-Anon on a regular active basis. The focus of your mother’s alcoholism is not what Al-Anon is all about… Al-Anon is focused on YOU and your unmanageable life because you have an alcoholic in it … That is exactly where the focus should be… on YOU! If I’m not mistaken ACOA is specifically focused on everyone but you, and how you were affected by your dysfunctional family. However, at Al-Anon you will learn what your part was in the dysfunctionality of your family, and how to change your life by learning to not be an enabler because you are totally powerless over your mother’s drinking,  detach with love from your mother’s alcoholism, and put away your toys and grow up!

You should make it a point to not wait until your mother calls you when she has been drinking, but tell her WHEN SHE IS SOBER NOT TO CALL YOU WHEN SHE HAS BEEN DRINKING. If she does call you either hang up on her, or let your answering machine take the message and if she is sober then call her back. Say what you mean… mean what you say and don’t be mean when you say it. You may want to believe that your mother is a functional drunk, but if you stop and think of how really dysfunctional she is, by her actions at uncalled for times, then you will see that she is far from being functional. The Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde syndrome should be proof that she is in trouble with alcohol.

At Al-Anon you will learn how to not be an enabler. If you don’t know… an enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. The enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving an alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior. Making “excuses” for the alcoholic has to be stopped in order for the alcoholic to pay the price for drinking. Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time the enabler gets the alcoholic out of a jam, or in any way allows the person to get away with being irresponsible… they are really buying the alcoholic their next drink. I know that you may not like reading this but alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they will take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling will not only destroy the alcoholic, but also their family and friends.

It is believed by many in the field of alcoholism that it is a three-fold illness…mental, physical and spiritual. The “mental” part of the illness refers to the alcoholic’s mental obsession to drink. If you will, the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. In so many words, thinking about the drink in between the drinks. The alcoholic never seems to worry about the drink in front of them, but they continually think of the next one. The “physical” aspect of the disease is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of the alcoholic’s values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as the drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends. A determining factor of alcoholism is that it makes no difference… how much a person drinks, where they drink it, what they drink or who even who they drink it with, the key is; what does it do to them when they drink? If drinking causes problems then it is a problem!

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to by the alcoholic in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. There is an old aying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol in it. For the alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping drinking. A bottom can be likened to going down on an elevator. The alcoholic can get of at any floor they want to. There is no need for her to go all the way to the bottom floor. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! There is hope, for there are many alcoholics that have stopped drinking and stayed stopped under the right conditions. On the other hand, even when a person is in a recovery program and has stayed sober for an extremely long period of time there is little guarantee that they can stay sober unless they remain vigilant and continue with their recovery on a one day at a time basis. There can be no let up, not even for a moment!

Until your mother “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing her problems there is little you can do for her. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters, and soup lines “admit” that they are alcoholics and having a problem with drinking, but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening, begging and even putting her away against her will, will not get her to stop doing what she has not made up her own mind to do. Don't think that she does not want to stop drinking… she can't stop when left to her own devices. Also, don't be lulled into thinking that she will stop drinking just because she says that she will. It's not that she purposely lie to you… but she will lie to herself because down deep she is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. If an your mother does nothing about stopping then she is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution. To be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female alcoholic is much worse because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk faces. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. However, it is sometimes dangerous for an alcoholic to stop drinking on their own without proper medical supervision. Withdrawal from alcohol can be very difficult and sometimes physically dangerous. You say that your mother is a functional alcoholic. That’s like saying that a woman is a little bit pregnant! Alcoholism never gets better on it’s own, it always gets worse. Your mother may be a functional alcoholic now, but unfortunately a time will come when she will drink at the wrong time or place and all h--- will break loose.

She’s “gottawanna” stop drinking in order for anything to work! She may need professional help at a detoxification clinic, where the process of withdrawal is closely monitored 24 hours a day until the danger of seizures or a heart attack pass. Eventually it would be wise for her to enter some type of recovery program, like Alcoholics Anonymous. They will welcome her with open arms. In AA “if she is really serious” about staying stopped they can help. She will stay sober for only as long as she wants to. I guarantee that if she wants to stay stopped and change her life for the better, AA will absolutely be able to help. Sobriety is not a one shot deal it is a lifetime proposition of hard work, persistence, discipline and achieving some level of humility. It won’t be easy for her but it will be worth it. AA works for those who want it to work. Your mother is not unique many others who have been given up on... have gotten sober and have led full and productive lives. Unfortunately recovery programs and sobriety is not for people who need it, but for people who want it.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer to you, or at least given you some food for thought. If I can be of further help to you please contact me again. Thank you, Rebos