Expert: Rebos - 10/7/2006

Question
I have told my spouse for the last five years that I hate his drinking. He is a drinker that drinks everyday and up to 12-18 beers a day.  I Know this is a lot and I hate the man he becomes when he is drinking.  The last four years have been down hill with his employement. He went from being a successful Salesman to be a concrete finisher but does own his own business but does not ends meet.  ALL of his current friends are alcoholics and all of their wives just stay away.  I want out, I do not want to lead this life anymore.  I have told him several times that I want to leave but never know how to start.  How do I go when we owe so much in debt and I have two young boys.  I hate this man and this life.  Can you help give me direction?

Answer
Good afternoon Chris:

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you find yourself in such a tough situation. I hope that I can help you with my answer.

First, stop making threats at him that you do not intend to carry out! Second, consider the damage that your husband’s drinking is doing to your children! And third, what are you willing to do to save your husband’s life no matter if you remain married to him or not? Your main goal is that you protect your children at all costs from having an active alcoholic in their lives.

If you haven’t as yet 100% made up your mind to your leave your husband; then you might want to try Al-Anon meetings. For your well being I would recommend that you go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and knowledge of the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. As you know it is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do! Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Whatever decisions you make give them a chance to work. If you decide to go to AlAnon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work! DON”T MAKE ANY THREAT TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON!

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! You can however raise your husband’s potential ultimate bottom by practicing what you learn at Alanon.

I don’t know what your financial situation is, (you say that you are in debt… that should not have any effect on saving your and your children’s lives and sanity) or if you live in an apartment, or own your own home, etc. I don’t know if he has verbally or physically abused you or your children, or even if you are in fear of your life…I guess what I am saying is; that YOU don’t have to be the one to leave the house. You can get a restraining order to have HIM leave the house. If you do get a restraining order to have him leave plan on having a police officer at your house or apartment to issue it to your husband.

I hope that I have helped you in some way, but since I have so little information about you and your overall family’s circumstances I did the best that I could. Thank you Rebos