Expert: Rebos - 8/20/2006

Question
I met my now husband Ted four years ago.  At the time, we both were pretty heavy drinkers.  We both drank very fequently and went to the bars, etc.  When I met Ted he had just gotten his second DUI.  He had nothing and was living with his father.  Well he ended up moving in with me and my two kids.  Ted has drank since we was a very young age.  So have I.  We both grew up in alcholic homes.  Shortly thereafter Ted got his third DUI.  In the four years that we have been together I have had to deal with four total DUI's (last one was a felony), jail times, fines, rehab, no license of course so I have to cart him around, and the one time he did get his license I paid for the $850 fee to get it back and of course, he lost it again. etc.  Don't ask me why, but I married him of March of this year.  It sometimes has seemed that the only time Ted can stay sober is when he is under strict probation, or has say telephone breathilizers three times a day.  Before we were married he had  been sober (forced sober from probation?) for a while, probably close to a year, well I told him that I would agree to marry him (he proposed three years earlier) under the condition that he stay sober.  Well, here's my problem.  He is now drinking at least once a week at his golf league on Thursdays.  I am fed up. He makes demands on me and tells me that I shouldn't drink (which is fine, because I am at a point where I don't need to drink and don't want to drink)  I finally told him yesterday that I can't do it anymore; that he has to choose, its us or his drinking, and well, he didn't respond and after about three minutes he said "don't leave me."  I told him I was leaving for the weekend to sort my mind out and said I was thinking of checking into Alanon classes.  He, on the other hand, didnt' say anything.  didn't apologize for breaking his promises, time and time again, didn't say " I want to quit drinking, etc." nothing of that sort.  He hasn't come home all weekend now; he's on another drinking binge.  I'm fed up.  I do love him though and that's what makes this hard.  What should I do?  Becuase as soon as Sunday evening comes around, he'll come around crying and apologizing for his behavior, swearing that he wants to change, but it's just a pattern.  I think I know what I should do (get out) but how do I do that?  How do you stick to your guns?  Ted does want a child (he has none; I have two) and I would like another child too, but with someone who is sober, and secure.  I try to explain to Ted that I will not have a child with him because he continues to drink and that doesn't stop him from drinking.   Whenever I bring up his drinking and how it makes me feel angry and insecure (because of the all the past troubles) he immidiately tries to turn it on me and says that "well you must be a lesbiana or have another man on the side" and that's the real reason you are angry and want out of the relationship, "our relationship problems have nothing to do with my drinking."  Which is totally not TRUE in anyway.  He tries to blame me, so he doesn't have to feel bad.     sorry for the long question.  Thanks for your time

Answer
Good afternoon Tracie:

Thank you for your question.

Unfortunately, there is no “good fairy” that will come down, tap your husband on the shoulder and make him “all better”.  It just doesn’t work that way! First, stop making threats that you do not intend to carry out! Second, consider the damage that your husband’s drinking is doing to your children! And third, what are you willing to do to save your husband’s life no matter if you remain married to him or not? Your main goal is that you protect your children at all costs from having an active alcoholic in their lives. Whatever you do don’t go back to drinking. If you think that you need Alcoholics Anonymous to insure that you don’t go back into the bottle…give it a try for yourself. It’s bad enough when a man is an alcoholic, but it’s much worse when a woman is one, because of the additional dangers that a woman drunk faces, and of course the children not even having one parent to rely upon. Don’t join your husband to relieve yourself of the pain that you are going thru…no matter what! Most drunks do exactly what your husband is doing to you to protect his right to drink. That is… turning the tables on you to make it seem like ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! It’s a favorite trick that alcoholics pull on their spouses.

Believe me when I write that you can’t blame your husband’s Thursday golf for his drinking. An alcoholic will find any excuse and the means of getting a drink. You would think that you should find no booze in prison, but you do. An alky will find a drink no matter where he or she is. It’s more important to them than their family, children, or friends. Alcoholics don’t have wives, children or family…They take hostages, because alcoholics are self-centered to the extreme and can only think about their needs.

It is said that alcoholism is a disease of denial, and it is apparent that your husband is in denial about what it is doing to him and his family. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! So to speak… “Once you make a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” I’m sure that you have heard that saying before. It has been my experience (going on 37years) to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul. No one can scare an alcoholic into stop drinking. All the cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. As I stated in the beginning of this message alcoholism is cunning, baffling and insidious, and unless your husband enters an in-patient detoxification clinic, then enters a program like AA he is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law, (which he already has) or end up in a mental institution and destroy you and your children in the process. Counseling would be good for him to go to, but what he needs is a support group like AA so that he can identify with other alcoholics. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. AA’s track record is the best of any other program for the recovery of alcoholism.

With that being said…For your well being I would recommend that you go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with proper information and knowledge of the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for naught. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do! Social drinkers don’t have to hide their bottles, lie about their drinking, or find excuses to continue drinking.

It is generally believed (by those in the field) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… Mental… Physical… and Spiritual. The “mental part” deals with the thought that precedes the first drink...thinking about the drink in between the drinks…a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without your husband learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before an alcoholic has to drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with .05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs).

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! You can however raise your husband’s potential ultimate bottom by practicing what you learn at Alanon.

Remember, being human each one of us has a breaking point, especially so when we see a person that we care for destroying their life. It is important to understand that an alcoholic is a very sick person who has a “disease”, but yet must be held responsible for their actions. It is also important for you to hate the disease and not your husband. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but all those who have the unfortunate experience of having any contact with an alcoholic.

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any verbal or physical abuse by him of you or your children should not be tolerated under any circumstances. If this is so a restraining order against him would be in order to remove him from the house. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge or training in the field of alcoholism and you try to help, your husband can sense your ineptness and weakness and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that you do not turn into such a person.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If you allow your husband to continue drinking, he doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then continue to faithfully go to AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, then you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life with the strong possibility that your children will become problem drinkers.  Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking, BUT whatever you do, don’t make any threats to him that you are not willing to follow through on!

I don’t know if I have helped you with my answer. Whether or not your marriage stays intact I would recommend strongly that at the least you go to Alanon. It may eventually help him to do something for himself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Whatever decision you make give it a chance to work. If you decide to go to AlAnon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work! DON”T MAKE ANY THREAT TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON!

In closing, whether you decide to stay married to him or not I hope that you do not disregard my suggestion for you to attend Alanon meetings. And I hope that I have not taken too many liberties with you in my response to your question. If I can be of further help feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos