Expert: Rebos - 5/9/2007

Question
QUESTION: I'm pretty sure my dad has become alcoholic. He's 65 and a typical day starts with scotch in his coffee, a bottle of wine at both lunch and dinner, and a third to 2 thirds of a bottle of scotch later in the evening. He's wealthy, powerful, and may not take to well to someone raising a concern. I think he sincerely believes he leads an otherwise healthy lifestyle, eating well and taking many suppliments, some clearly designed to prevent or somehow mitigate the damage. What should I do? My mum & sister know about it but take the view that he knows what he's doing, is in control and it's not for us to get involved. Although he drinks such a dangerous amount, he rarely behaves badly and is on top of his job/life etc.
ANSWER: Good afternoon Mark:

Thank you for your question. For the purpose of my answer to you I am going to assume that you are an adult child. Until your father “admits and accepts” that alcohol will eventually cause him problems there is little you can do for him especially since you don’t have the backing of your mother and sister.

It is unfortunate that your mother and your sister are in denial as to the deep hole that your father is digging for himself. Call him what you may but he is an alcoholic and his drinking will eventually catch up to him. He may be ok for now but before too much longer he will suffer from one or more of the deadly diseases that all alcohol abusers eventually face. I would guess that your mother and sister have great fear your father, and that’s unfortunate!

The best advice that I can give is for you, your mother and sister to attend Alanon meetings, and if they say no… you go any way. When you do go you will find that your problem is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn how to live with having an alcoholic in your life, and about the disease of alcoholism. You will learn how to say what you mean, mean what you say and not be mean when you say it. You will learn how to be strong enough to resist the influence that your father has over your life. Alanon is intended to help you and not necessarily your father directly. However, in order for you to be able to help him, you must first learn to help yourself. At Alanon you will meet others who have an alcoholic in their lives, and that their lives have become unmanageable also. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an alcoholic. Your father is not a bad person…he is a sick person that somehow has lost his way to be able to help himself. Never-the-less, your father must be held responsible for his actions! You may not be able to do anything about your father’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic father in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, and understand the disease, your efforts to help will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter (check your local phone book under "Alcoholism") or call the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you happen to be a teenager then there is Al-Ateen that you can go to. They can be reached at the same numbers.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that your father will have to face up to in order to stop drinking and stay stopped. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before your father will continue to drink again and again no matter how many times he may promise to stop drinking. For any alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he or she is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!

No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Don't think that he may not want to stop… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he may say that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An active alcoholic's choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, and/or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. If he does nothing about stopping then he is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful. False pride and fear have a lot to do with his not wanting to do anything about his drinking problem.

There is no one method used in the recovery of alcoholism that works for everyone, and there is “no cure” for the disease of alcoholism. If you take a cucumber and turn it into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber again...“once an alcoholic - always an alcoholic”. There are "recovering alcoholics" and there are "active alcoholics". With that being said… alcoholism is not a moral issue. It is considered a disease by the American Medical Assoc. and there is no shame in being an alcoholic the shame is in doing nothing about it!


I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no magic bullet or good fairy that will tap your father on the shoulder and make him “all better” or even save his life. It will take a lot of hard work for all of you. But until he gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except learn all that you can by going to Alanon and seriously consider what I have written above. Say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it! I hope that I have helped you in some way. I would be interested in your progress, or feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Rebos for this. Much appreciated. I have been to a couple of alanon meetings but now I will go again. My dad has had a health scare recently - his phrenic nerve failed, causing his diaphragm to malfunction and this caused a permanent collapsed lung. He doesn't think it has anything to do with his drinking, he thinks it was just one of those things. He may be right of course, but should I speak to his doctor and put him in the picture? I'm sure his doctor, if he actually knew of his drinking, would tell him straight that he is seriously in trouble, and I think he'd listen to a doctor. Dad likes to think of himself as an expert in health and nutrition and just wouldn't take anything from me or other members of the family.

Answer
Good morning Mark:

Thank you for your follow-up message. Yes, I agree that it would be a good time for you to bring up your concern about your father’s drinking to his doctor. You have to ask yourself "What are you willing to do to save your father's life"? If your answer is "anything" then don't be afraid to risk that you may be wrong. It will be worth it whatever the outcome. I’m sorry to say when it comes to your father’s health and what is good for him… you must remember that alcoholism is a disease of denial, and he is not ready to admit defeat… his addiction won’t let him! With all due respect, your father probably has trouble admitting that he is wrong about most things.

Once again I strongly suggest that you continue to go to your Al-Anon meetings, get into their 12 steps of recovery, chose someone to be your sponsor, join a group and get active in the program. I guarantee that you will benefit greatly from the experience!

I wish you the very best in your journey to find the truth about Mark. Thank you, Rebos.