Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 12/20/2006

Question
My 49 yr. old sister is an alcoholic and has been for at least 10 to 15 years.  She has 3 children, 2 at home, girls 14 and 17.  Her husband is working out of state so comes home 1 weekend/ month. I am an alcoholic also but have been sober for 9 years and am 1 year older than she is. She has been causing chaos in her family for many years and is one of the meanest people I have ever met if you try to interfere with her addiction.  She just became a nurse and to function I know she takes her fiorinal headache medicine and xanax during the day.  At one of her first jobs they did a random drug test and she tested pos. for hydrocodone, xanax, fiorinal and something else I forget. I am very close to her 14 yr old daughter. Her daughther started going to ala-teen meetings, and her mother would not speak to her except for horrible sarcastic vitriolic remarks.  When I tried in the past to talk to my sister, she cut me out of their lives for yrs.  I still visit my niece, who told me today she wants to run away, that her Mom is verbally abusive and does things to embarrass her.  My family all say I should not speak to my sister, that she has to reach her "bottom" and decide for herself, but who can protect my nieces?  My sisters husband is very weak and lets my sister do whatever.  My niece said that when she called him he told her to demand from her mother that she be able to go to therapy.  He is to afraid to talk to his wife himself... but he doesn't say so.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to let my nieces continue to live afraid of their Mom and unhappy at home.  I want to call my sister and yell at her and tell her she is a bad mother.  I really need advice.  By the way, I do love my sister so much... the sister that she was before alcohol and drugs.  Thank you for any consideration.

Answer
Dear Pat

The best advice I can give you is to start attending alanon. I know that some of the best help I ever got was in Alanon meetings. I knew that I was an alcoholic, I never knew how much everyone else's drinking was making me miserable. Alanon really helped. Caroline Beatty also has written several excellent books on codependance that can help you.

You may want to consider calling an intervention specialist to help her get help.