Expert: Rebos - 7/5/2006

Question
I think my friend is an alcoholic. The problem is that I am not with her everyday, yet I know she goes out every night and has at least one or more drinks. This has been going on for years and there is always some excuse to go out. Would this be a problem drinker or alcoholic. My friend and I are thinking about confronting her and would like to know how to go about it. I have tried in the past and have gotten shut down. The whole thing is that she isn't getting any younger and I really feel it is inabling her to move forward with her life and career.

Answer
Good morning and thank you for your question.

Below you will find 12 questions that can be used to determine whether your friend is having a problem or not. They must be answered truthfully in order for them to be meaningful.

The questions are normally directed to the drinker, but if you think you know what your friend’s drinking pattern is you may find them interesting. But remember, your friend is the only one who can make the decision as to her being an alcoholic or not, enough to want to do anything about it.

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish that people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you ever had an eye-opener upon wakening during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had any problems connected with drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself that you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

10. Have you missed days at work or school because of drinking?

11. Do you have "blackouts"? A blackout is when you have been drinking there are periods of time that you can't remember.

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

IF YOU ANSWER YES TO 4 OR MORE QUESTIONS then you are probably in trouble with alcohol.

The following is what the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an alcoholic.

Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help.

Alcoholism is deadly and it and not a matter to be taken lightly. Sometimes the truth is hardest of all to face up to. You can be sure of one thing “The Good Fairy”, her doctor, or a counselor is not going to tap her on the shoulder and make her “all better”. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and dedication on her part to want to change her life. BUT, it’s done one day at a time.

If I can be of further help please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. I would welcome hearing on how things work out for you. Thank you, Rebos.