Expert: Kaye Mitchell, BLS, LCDC - 1/11/2003

Question
My mother has been an alcoholic for the majority if not all of my life. I am 30 years old. She is a very slurry, uncoordinated, and mean drunk. Very mean drunk. I watched and helped when I could my mother drink my entire life but in the last 3-4 years I have witness changes that I am not sure what to think of. My mother is 51, went through menopause at 35, no health problems that we know of, and of course still drinks and smokes. She went through a divorce of 20 years around 5-6 years ago but these changes are still there and they are for the worse.

I need to know what, if any, changes an alcoholic goes through after they hit a certain age. If I am supposed to be looking for symptoms or signs. What is the difference between this symptom being an alcoholic or getting an old age disease.

My mother's values, morals, personality, attitude, memory, beliefs, and small physical changes have occured over the past 3-4 years. Drastic changes. Like raising me and my sister with no slip-ups with time outs in the corner. Now she believes in spanking, hitting, mental abuse (severe) of children. She hates me when we had been bestfriends my entire life. Almost codependent. To many changes to list them all.

Thank you for your time.

Becky

Answer
Dear Becky,
Thanks for writing.  I will answer your questions and then offer some insights into what to do--which I feel is the real question.

Your mother is 51.  That is pretty young.  I am 62 and I am a full-time student at a University working on a degree.  I say this so that we can take age out of the picture.  What is real is that by the age of 51 your mother has had a long time to drink.  Alcohol affects all the organs of the body including the brain.  She may be experiencing what is known as "wet brain" syndrome.  This can be seen on MRI and actually shows the brain to be smaller than a normal brain and surrounded by fluid.  Many alcoholics get a syndome that resembles psychosis as a result of vitamin deficiency.  I think this is called Korsokof's syndrome, but don't hold me to the spelling.

The bottom line is that you mother needs to see a Physician for a check up.  You or another family member need to tell the Drs. front desk staff what is going on and what you fear as far as something like Altzheimers or other dementia.  Don't be surprised if the Dr. will not tell you directly what is going on due to Dr./Patient confidentiality rules.  Your best bet would be to accompany your mother while she visits with the Dr. and that will imply consent to hear the diagnosis.  Let her answer all questions asked by the Dr.--don't answer for her.  Be sure to have a list of questions you want answered by the Doctor and ask in your mother's presence.  This is in the event that she will actually go to the Doctor--I am guessing that she won't. Are there other family members that you can enlist in this effort?

A person who has been drinking excessively over many years will develop a "reverse tolerance."  This means that it will take less alcohol to get intoxicated, probably due to damage of the liver and its inability to continue to process the alcohol.  When there is less alcohol in the system due to less being needed to get drunk then the body is in a state of withdrawl most of the time.  Symptoms can be tremors or agitation.  Sounds like your mother is agitated.  Also underlying anger could be a part of the picture.  She hit 50 and her life has not gone well--in fact it is in shambles.  This is not where she intended to be at 51.  

Her only way to get better is to go into treatment at a facility.  I do not believe she can get well on her own at this point.  If you talk to her about this, use the following guidelines.  Try to have other familiy members present and any family friends who will express their concern for her welfare. Come from a pont of love and try not to be critical.  Give concrete examples of the things that have worried you. ("Mother, I am worried because you have fallen 3 times in the past week and I have not seen you laugh or smile for 2 years.") This should happen early in the day before she is too far gone, but I would not expect her to have not had a drink because, physiologically speaking, she may need to drink just to maintain.  Be ready for her to get angry or refuse to do anything or say she can stop any time she wants.

If she gives you an opportunity to suggest where she can go for help, be ready.  In advance, call the United Way Help Line in your town and find out what resources are available for her budget.  If you are in a large city look in the yellow pages for a Council on Alcohol and Drug Abuse or call the National Council for the nearest place (1-800-622.2255).  They are good folks for referral to local resources.

Now, dear Becky, since you are the one who contacted me for help, YOU are actually my client and I will do what I can to help you. Run, don't walk, to the nearest large bookstore and buy a book on Co-dependency (self-help section). I like a book called Co-Dependent No More, but there are many good ones.  You might also find this topic covered as "enabling."

You have been living in a toxic situation for a long time and it is hard to not get sick with that exposure.  I know because I came from an alcoholic family and I am an alcoholic who married an alcoholic.  I have been in recovery for 10 years (you mother's current age).  

When you are in a toxic situation you must look out for yourself the same as if you were working in a chemical warfare plant--You put on your protective gear and you limit your exposure.  You mother has made her choices and it is unfair for them to continue to effect you.  If there are children DO NOT let them be around your Mother.  She will destroy their self-esteem and do them real harm.  Do not be afraid to say why you are not letting the children come around.  She may be an alcoholic but she can still understand. And she NEEDS the truth.

If you have not already done so, the most important thing I can suggest is for you to find an Alanon group today.  This will be a support group of people who have experienced what you are going through.  They will have good advice and will help you find resources.  Please do this without fail.  Also see if you can find counseling that fits your budget.  United Way Help Line can help.  You need someone to talk to about how this has affected you.

In the end, your mother is an adult and has the right to destroy her life as she sees fit.  Don't get taken down with her.  If you still live at home, please consider moving out, especially if you have children.  Don't sucumb to guilt. You must never feel guilty about saving yourself.

If you truly think your mother is showing signs of dementia and is unable to think well enough to take care of her affairs (just refusing to do so doesn't count), then you might call Adult Protective Services and talk to them.  It is possible that they will assign someone to represent her and to check out her mental faculties.

Becky, after you have had time to think about all of this and have more questions, please write me back and let me help you.  In the meantime, find Alanon and buy the book.  As a co-dependent, you are helping your Mother stay exactly where she is.  I know that is hard to hear because exablers think they are helping the person--they are not--they are helping the alcoholism by "being a part of the dance."  You need to learn how to establish boundaries and stick by them.  This is why I recommend Alanon and reading about enabling or co-dependency.  I will be happy to tell you more about that if you like because most people don't realize that just the act of cleaning up after the drunk or handing them an aspirin because they have a hangover is enabling.  The alcoholic needs to experience ALL the consequences of their drinking.

I'm happy that you wrote and I hope I have been of help.

Take care,
Kaye