Expert: Clyde - 5/22/2007

Question
QUESTION: My best friend has been married to an alcoholic for 7 years now.  For the entire time I've been the caring/listening/praying friend for her, taking her calls at all hours, helping where I can, I even took her to an Alanon meeting.  I have been honest with her about how I feel and how she needs to stop enabling him, and when I am honest with her about that and tell her she has to put her foot down, she gets mad at me.  We've had a rough friendship due to this because I get frustrated at her not doing anything about this, I lose patience with just being her listening/sympathetic ear... then I get honest and she gets mad at me.

As a friend, how best can I help her?

ANSWER: Tracy,
     Thank you for your question.  Seven years is a very long time to have been so supportive of your friend.  It speaks volumes for your care for your friend.  
      You ask a very simple question but the answer is quite difficult.  I can speak from experience that recovery is not easy but it is so rewarding for the soul.  To begin with you have done all the right things for her - you've been supportive, you've listened, and you've even taken her to her first Alanon meeting.  You indicate that you've shared your truth and honest feelings with her.  You are frustrated with her and her inability to see where change needs to take place.  
     Your frustrations are directed at someone else and we have absolutely no control or power over others - none.  You are on the outside looking into a hopeless situation - as it now exists.  You are seeing quite clearly which is another source of your immense frustration - "why can't these people see this??", we say to ourselves.  
      Well, all that said, and this will be difficult for you to hear, but the best thing you can do for your friend is provide what you feel is appropriate and within your boundaries (after you set them) and tell your friend that is all you are willing to do.  It may mean doing nothing for her in the future and breaking all ties and that is OK.  In a way, it is accepting that we as friends, looking into the situation, can do more harm than good by enabling someone who must find the answer on their own.  The seed has been planted - she must find the care of other persons who have been long-affected by the alcoholic's drinking.  That means Alanon.
     This "detachment" as we call it is recovery circles, allows you to be good to you and to leave the frustrating actions of others out of your life.  You don't need that and you don't deserve that. Stay in prayer for her as God will work the miracle anyway - we are merely instruments.  When someone else is placed in your life who suffers the same pain as your friend, you'll be that much stronger for God to use for that new person.  
     I'll keep you and your friend in my prayers.
     By the way, if you found Alanon to be helpful, you would be welcome to attend based on your dealings with alcoholics and the craziness we can perpetrate on others.
     I hope this has been helpful and God bless a friend like yourself.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for that elaborate, yet to the point, response.  I have felt for a while that detaching myself was the right thing to do, but it's hard and it hurts.  One additional question, is it better to let my friend know what I'm doing and that I'm detaching myself from this?  or just bow out quietly? Which is better for her?

Answer
Tracy,
    It hurts to lose someone whom we love and for whom we care so much. The situation of losing a living friend or spouse is even worse than losing someone to death because we know they are still walking around somewhere and yet they are "dead" to us.  It is called a "cut off" because communication is severed completely.  

  And that brings me to an answer to your question.  It is not good to be a "cut off".  In other words we should not allow ourselves to be the reason for the cut off, therefore, it is up to us to leave the relationship with love and truth and honesty.  That means doing the tough thing - talking with that person and letting them know where we are coming from.  It is so much easier to just walk away but it leaves both people with questions about the ending of the relationship as IT WAS.  I emphasize that because we do this, not on our own, but as you have already said - with prayer - and that means God has the say about the results.  We are not to get wrapped up in the results.  If the relationship is valuable to the other person, God will resurrect the relationship to a new place of goodness for both of you.

  My suggestion is to first pray about this situation and God will provide the time and the place to confront the friend.  During this wait, we feel the freedom knowing that the frustration is finally coming to an end for us.  You are the only one who will know when this waiting period is over.  It will just happen.  Follow what you believe God is asking.  It could even be that what you have already alluded to will be the best course and that is to just "bow out" for a period of time.  God will provide the release for you so let Him do it.  Remember, you aren't responsible for the results.

   I think your questions are pointing you to knowing that this is not good for Tracy.  Be good to yourself and know you are on the right track.

   I hope this helps and you are in my prayers.