Expert: Rebos - 7/24/2007

Question
Hi. Thank you for answering this for me. I don't really know how to handle this. My boyfriend has been working for an airline for almost two yrs now. When he first started, he and I would drink occasionally- maybe two or three times a month. When he started this job as a flight attendant, he would tell me how he had a couple of drinks every few days. Then a few became four or five beers, and it became every night. Then when he would come home, he would regularly finish 5 or 6 beers at home, sometimes adding shots. Every time we hang out with friends, he drinks so much that he throws up and then he falls asleep mid-party, waking up later to continue drinking. I have mentioned it to him a few times that I am concerned, especially since many of the men and women in his family have a history of alcoholism, and he believes that he is fine. When I mentioned to him last week that I thought maybe we should only drink once or twice a month again, he scoffed and said that was silly. I am really concerned especially since we have started talking about getting married and a future together. We have been together for almost three yrs, and he has changed quite a bit in that time, I believe, largely alcohol related. My own father was an alcoholic, and I worry too, that if I marry him and we have children, what would the likelihood of them becoming alcoholics be? His dad is in NA, and I wondered if you thought it might be a good idea if I told him? Any advice on what I should do, or if there is anything that I can do? Thanks so much for your time.

Answer
Good morning Jamie and thank you for your question. For my answer I will assume that you don’t have a drinking problem yourself.

You know how bad it was being a child of an alcoholic, but it is a completely different situation when you are the wife of an alcoholic with children. I hope that you don’t mind the directness of my answer to you, but you must consider the truth about what your life will be like if you marry and have children with your present boyfriend.

Alcoholism is a disease of denial and your boyfriend is in denial about what alcohol is doing to him. If you intend to take the risk of wasting your life on this guy… then you should be going to Al-Anon. I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a “family” disease and the significant other of an alcoholic (which you are) also suffers from the effects of drinking. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control.

You are powerless over your boyfriend’s drinking and your life (and any children that you may have) will become unmanageable, unless your boyfriend stops drinking. If he doesn’t stop or can’t stop drinking you are setting yourself up for a life of misery, uncertainty, and unhappiness. It’s one thing to have a husband that becomes a drunk after you marry him, but to get married to a person who is already a drunk… is insanity!

You have to understand that you are and will be totally powerless over your boyfriend’s drinking, and until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired… he may do something about his drinking problem. I say may do something about his drinking problem, because he may be one of those poor souls that do not have the capacity of being honest about their situation. When a person has to be thinking about controlling their drinking they have already lost control. As long as you keep doing what ever it is that keeps you in the relationship he has no reason to stop drinking. Never make any threat to him that you are not 100% willing to follow through with.

The last thing that you want to become is an “enabler”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior.

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Every time you get your boyfriend out of a jam, or in any way allow him to get away with being irresponsible, you are really buying him his next drink. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him.

There is no question in my mind that he will eventually lose his job with the airlines and become unemployable. Once you have the tag of being a drunk the slope downward is inevitable. If he does nothing about his drinking problem you can look forward to your children having some sort of serious problems. They may not become alcoholics, but there are lots of other problems that they will be faced with.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to by your boyfriend in order for him to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before your boyfriend will have to drink again. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping drinking. A bottom can be likened to going down on an elevator. Your boyfriend can get of at any floor he wants to. There is no need for him to go all the way to the bottom floor. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Even when a person is in a recovery program and has stayed sober for an extremely long period of time there is little guarantee that they can stay sober unless they remain vigilant and continue with their recovery on a one day at a time basis. There can be no let up, not even for a moment!

Until your boyfriend “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. Even those poor unfortunates that are in shelters “admit” that they are having a problem with drinking, (and may even admit that they are alcoholics) but it is their “acceptance” to the point of doing something positive about it, is what counts. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Even putting him away against his will, will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.

However, it is sometimes dangerous for an alcoholic to stop drinking on their own without proper medical supervision. Withdrawal from alcohol can be very difficult and sometimes physically dangerous. If your boyfriend agrees to go to a counselor, but not AA or a detox clinic…he is just conning you! He is looking for an easier softer way instead of being serious about getting sober for the long haul. Most counselors will tell their alcoholic clients that they should, in conjunction with their therapy, to also go to AA. Unfortunately the counselor cannot force him to go. Stop allowing him to run the show! He’s “gottawanna” stop drinking in order for anything to work! Unfortunately recovery programs and sobriety like AA is not for people who need it, but for people who want it.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Al-Anon) to help you through it. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your boyfriend on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work. Until he gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Al-Anon or breakup with him and seriously consider what I have stated above. Hate the disease not the patient. But don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings by letting him know the TRUTH as to how you feel about his drinking. When you do talk to him “say what you mean…mean what you say…but don’t be mean when you say it”, but (again) remember don’t ever make any threats to him that you are not willing to carry through with. Also, remember in over 37 years of me dealing with alcoholics I have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower. It never gets better on its own it always gets worse.

If there is anything further that I can do for you please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you, Rebos.