Expert: Rebos - 9/11/2007

Question
I started dating a man and thought this was the one. After about a month of dating, I had noticed that he had to drink everyday. When I asked if he would have a drink everyday, he said yes, but not to get drunk. Him and his father had a law firm together and then his dad died. He then lost the firm. Not sure if that was from drinking? In the last 11 years, he has lost is father, his wife from divorce, the home and has not had a job for the last year or so. I also noticed that he does not have any friends. He has a daughter that is 9 years old and when he has her, he does drink, when she is over. Soon into the relationship, he started to cut me down all the time when I would be him. He stated that I tried to hard to be good to him and his daughter. He criticized every thing I said and did. Nothing I did was good enough. When we started dating we had so much fun together. He starts drinking in the morning around 11 or so, everyday. He can't sleep at night and sweat's alot. He is sick to his stomach a lot. I just wish I could help him see that he has a real issue. I really cared about this man, we have not talked for some time now, I have walked away from this, but I wish there was some thing I could do, to get him to see what he is doing to his life!Please tell me what I could do for this man, that I care so much for...............Thank you Robin

Answer
Good afternoon Robin and thank you for your question.

I have two recommendations for you; First… KEEP WALKING unless, Second… you want to go to Alanon.

Alcoholism is a disease of denial and your ex-boyfriend is in denial about what alcohol is doing to him. If you intend to take the risk of wasting your life on this guy… then you should be going to Al-Anon. I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a “family” disease and the significant other of an alcoholic (which you were (past tense) also suffers from the effects of drinking. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your ex-boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control and get on with your life. Alcoholics who are still drinking are generally self-centered to the extreme, and booze is more important to them than ANYTHING ELSE. As much as he may love you and you love him his addiction will never allow you to come first, booze will always come before you, his health, his job, his family, and even his very life. By you breaking up with him may have done him a big favor by helping to raise his “bottom”. In other words he just may grab onto that moment of truth and recognize that he has lost another thing that was important in his life. But in his case I doubt if he even cares for you since all that he does is argue with you and demean you when he is drunk. I know of many cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up “joining” the drinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever you do don’t join him in his drinking, because to be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female alcoholic is much worse because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk faces. You will become his weak prey that he can do with you whatever he wants to.

Generally, alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your ex-boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him. It’s one thing to have a husband that becomes a drunk after you marry him, but to get married to a person who is already a drunk… is insanity of the first order. Alcoholics who are still drinking are generally self-centered to the extreme, and booze is more important to them than ANYTHING ELSE. As much as he may love you and you love him his addiction will never allow you to come first, booze will always come before you, his health, his job, his family, and even his very life. If you did break up with him you may be doing him a big favor by helping to raise his “bottom”. In other words he just may grab onto that moment of truth and recognize that he has lost another thing that was important in his life. But in his case I doubt if he even cares for you since all that he does is argue with you when he is drunk. I know of many cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up “joining” the drinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever you do don’t join him in his drinking, because to be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female alcoholic is much worse because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk faces. You will become his weak prey that he can do with you whatever he wants to.

You have to understand that you are and will be totally powerless over your ex-boyfriend’s drinking, and until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired… then he may do something about his drinking problem. I say may do something about his drinking problem, because he may be one of those poor souls that do not have the capacity of being honest about their situation

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to by your ex-boyfriend in order for him to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before your ex-boyfriend will have to drink again. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping drinking. A bottom can be likened to going down on an elevator. Your boyfriend can get of at any floor he wants to. There is no need for him to go all the way to the bottom floor. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Even when a person is in a recovery program and has stayed sober for an extremely long period of time there is little guarantee that they can stay sober unless they remain vigilant and continue with their recovery on a one day at a time basis. There can be no let up, not even for a moment!

No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Even putting him away against his will, cannot not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program. I personally have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. You must allow those who have the answers for you (Al-Anon) to help you through it. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your ex-boyfriend on the shoulder and make him “all better”. It takes a lot of hard work. Until he gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except to learn all that you can by going to Al-Anon or continue your breakup with him and seriously consider what I have stated above. Before you decide to start up your relationship with him again… consider how much he has already lost from his drinking (including you) and ask yourself what has he done differently as of late that will stop his spiral downward. From what you described in your question… he has done nothing that will stop him from destroying himself… and you if you let him!

If there is anything further that I can do for you please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you, Rebos.